The One about the Career Path.

I've had some people say some pretty prolific things to me as far as my performances go. Like most things, though, there are those few statements that stick out more than others. I'll spare sharing the majority of them with you, but... there's one that I just have to share because it's been on my mind, and it's the whole reason I'm starting today's post.

"You've chosen the right career path, Angela."

I don't know if the person that said this even realized what an impact that short statement made; it was said so quickly and probably not meant to really stick out to me... but it really got the wheels turning in my head.

School is kicking my butt lately. Why? Because I really, really don't like it. This distaste I have for school developed at the beginning of last semester, and it really hasn't gone away. I'm afraid I have "senioritis" in the worst way. It's time to be done. My drive to pay attention in class and be motivated to get things in on time is wearing horribly thin. I want to start real life. I'm so sick of due dates and assignments and attendance and all these things in classes that I can't stand and don't understand. This is where I have negativity in my life - school. I feel like it's in my way right now. I have to get a better attitude about. I just have to keep telling myself: August. SIX months. I can do this; I have to do this. I can't begin my "right career path" until I'm done with school - that's why I'm here at all. To learn and grow and adjust my skills until they are finely tuned (which hopefully will continue until the day I die).

I know I've said it a billion times over, but I feel so fortunate to be playing the role I'm playing in A Tale of Two Cities. It is changing my life. I know that sounds dramatic (and why shouldn't it?), but that is undeniably true. It is changing my passion for performances; it is changing my appreciation for the people and the process; it is changing my friendships; it is making me more motivated. I love thinking that this could just be the beginning for me. I love thinking that, with the right choices and the proper professionalism, I will do things even bigger than this. I will be faced with more opportunities to change; and I get to choose to do it over and over and over again.

Someone came and saw the show last night and said to me after, "How does that feel?" Well, wonderful! I get to let loose - within reason, of course - for three hours every other day (and sometimes nine hours in one day - thank you, school matinees!). It's freeing. I have the best job in the world, and I want to get better and better and better at it.

...

I've always taken good care of my feelings. If something is harming me, 90% of the time I am able to push myself away from unwanted stress and negativity. I protect myself. I realize, however, what I am about to say is putting the vulnerable Angela out there for anyone to see, but I want to say it anyway. As is always the disclaimer, please, please, please understand that this is not meant to come off as negative. Please also know that this is not a pity party. It is merely my thoughts regarding the matter, and nothing more. I am not looking for sympathy of any kind, and I trust that my thoughts will be respected as they usually are by the friends that read this blog.

I know that I stand very independently in the eyes of many people; I know that it is very clear that I can take care of myself; I know that I put off a very "strong" air. My mom raised me right - to be absolutely who I am and to take care of myself. There is nothing wrong with that. I am not saying that I am not independent; I am not saying that I can't take care of myself; I am not saying that I am not strong. I know I am.

That doesn't mean I wouldn't love to depend on someone; that doesn't mean that I don't want someone to take care of me; that doesn't mean that, sometimes, I don't want someone else to be the strong one. Sometimes I feel that, because I have chosen to act and live a certain way, I have made myself seem inaccessible - when in all actuality, my heart is rather open and accessible. Cheesy? Maybe.

I have spent so much time over the last two weeks or so stuck on the things that are missing in my life for my future. I am 24 years old. Over the course of my 24 years, I have had one "serious relationship." Realizing that, I'm going to admit right now, rips a little at my heart. I'm just lonely.

But. I'm not unhappy. Being lonely and unhappy do not have to go hand in hand. I'm choosing that they don't. I'm also choosing to understand that I don't want to settle for just anyone. While I am not making a list of traits I want in a man, I am also not willing to just comply to "comfortable."

I'm a girl; you were bound to hear something about being loved by someone at some point... right?

The weight loss has sort of come to a screeching halt as of late. I am realizing that, while I do eat much better than I used to and I do exercise more than I used to (understand that walking 30 minutes in the morning is more exercise than I used to do), I'm letting the stresses in my life be answered for by justification of "cheating" with food. It's so important to me that I reach my goal. I have a set date in mind, and it's do-able... if I buckle down and do it. I am so anxious to get there.

I've lost a grand total of 41 pounds since September 27, 2010 - a little over five months. I have 9 pounds left to lose until I reach my goal weight, and after that, I'm aiming for another 5 pounds... if my body can handle it. Right now, I'm focusing on that remaining 9 pounds, though.

Really, though, that's the important thing with everything I've talked about - with the weight loss, with school, with performances, with friendships and relationships - taking care of the people I love, taking care of the things I love, taking care of me, and taking care of right now.