The One with the Golden Rule.

"A mother is the truest friend we have - when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." - Washington Irving
(I know I've used this picture before. In all honesty, aside from the fact that it's my favorite, it's really one of the only ones we have together. Regardless, I think it's perfect. And maybe I look just like my mom... maybe.)

My mom will be here tomorrow. She was going to come a few weeks ago, but things didn't work out, so she bought a plane ticket for the end of this month instead. She'll see the show Wednesday and Friday nights and Saturday afternoon and we will play all the rest of the time.

Yes, I'm 24 years old and "living on my own" and a grown-up and blahdy blahdy blah... but my mother being around still brings me the most incredible comfort. I get to see her two or three times a year - once at Christmastime (in Texas) and once or twice when she comes up for shows. Her support never fails; she makes me feel like a princess; she always says the right things; she always gets it; and she takes the best care of me. Really and truly. I credit my mom for my sense of independence, my strong will, my loud voice, my squinty smile, my love for music and theatre, my love for babies and puppies, my ambition, you name it.

Years ago, she told me a story about when she was sitting on the couch stroking Martha's head when Martha was very little. She told me that I proceeded to, after watching this happen for some time, climb up next to my mom, take her other hand and make her stroke my hair, too.

I knew then just as I know now: a mother's love is irresistible and irreplaceable.

This visit couldn't have been timed better. I'm in serious need of some Mom-hugs and Mom-laughs and Mom-love.

If you run into me within the next few days while she's here, don't be surprised if my southern drawl has returned full-force. It tends to happen; that little quality will always be a part of me, and for whatever reason, it only resonates in Texas or when my mom's around. (I secretly love it... and love to hate it.)

Ever heard of the Ethic of Reciprocity?
I'm sure you have. It's the oldest rule in the book. We grew up hearing it, watching it, feeling it, learning it, knowing it, and hopefully respecting it.

The Ethic of Reciprocity is more commonly known as the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Or, put simply, treat others the way you want to be treated. It has manifested itself to me so much within the last few days. Of course it stemmed from somewhere - I read the mere mention of it in another friend's blog last Friday. And, like I do, I can't stop thinking about something that impresses on my mind for even a split second.

I have always found this "rule" fascinating and try my very best to practice it everyday. But it's not easy.

Some people attempt to solve the problem of the Golden Rule by choosing to "do unto others before they do unto you." This is not typically a winning strategy. It results in assumption and frustration and even loss of important relationships. I am not proud to say that I've been there and done that. I can name numerous moments of more bitter times of my life that I chose this strategy and, as it should have, it came back to bite me in the backside. Hard.

Another failed strategy of the Golden Rule is being nice to people and allowing them to walk all over you. I've had some people come in and out of my life that haven't been the best influences on my self-worth. They're the people that I have chosen to weed out of my life. I don't want to call them bad people, because that's not what they are - they're just not good for me because what I have done is allowed them to walk on me. I make it a very conscious effort to be sweet to the people around me that I care about. However, it is very easy to confuse benevolence with weakness. I know this because I've made that mistake in judgment toward others, too.

With that in mind, forgiveness is also very valuable in this elaborate explanation. If someone does walk on me, I have to forgive them... because I would want them to do the same. This is practicing the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

The Golden Rule is especially difficult thanks to one of its key elements: a person attempting to live by this rule treats all people with consideration, not just members of his or her "in-group." This is where I struggle the most. I am a quiet person around people I don't know. It's very easy for me to put on the tunnel-goggles and avoid anyone around me that I don't typically interact with. I don't think this has always been the case - I think it has happened with age, experience and independence. Even people that I once interacted closely with can quickly become strangers to me; I have been witness to this more in the last six months than ever in my life. People go their separate ways; people are meant to learn different things and meet different people.

I have made some personal goals in the last two weeks or so that I am choosing to live by. They are small steps in what I believe to be the right direction. I'll spare you the list of goals, but I'll share one: I'm going to live by the Golden Rule with every interaction I make, whether it's simply smiling at someone in the grocery store or saying hello to someone or answering the phone at work with a softer tone. But more importantly, the interactions I make with the people that I care the most about should especially reap the benefits of this attempt to change. There's no excuse not to express how much I care. Because I DO CARE.

I am choosing to balance and evaluate myself in a way that I can be proud of. This can only result in a more positive life, and that is absolutely the life that I want to live.

There. Done. You know I couldn't resist the opportunity to stand on my soapbox.

Now...

It's no secret that I love A Tale of Two Cities. It's probably safe to say that this is the most crazy about a show that I have ever been. Needless to really say... with eight performances left in my cast's run, the reality is setting in. The result of every show is coming into plain view rather quickly. It's almost time to let it go.
While it is clear that I'm CRAZY excited for my next adventure, it makes leaving Tale behind very bittersweet. It's always so amazing to me how hard it is to let a show go. There have been ones that have been easier than others, but in general, closing a show strikes such a tender chord on my little heart. This show will absolutely do the same. I cannot revisit this exact time of my life again; I can merely look at pictures and listen to soundtracks and remember what I have learned from it.

But what I am able to recognize - especially right now - is this: the opportunity that the theatre art form gives - the constant movement from one show to the next - is undeniably beautiful. God is letting us transform so often and learn so much.

The One with the Dream Roles.

Anyone who even considers a career in performance has at least one dream role. These are the roles that we would die to play, given the opportunity. These are the roles that we feel we could - with extremely hard work, of course - do great justice to. A lot of us have more than just one.

Uhh... I have six.

Christine in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Cathy in The Last Five Years

Jo in Little Women

Dot in Sunday In the Park With George

Lucille in ParadeLizzie in 110 In the Shade

Recently, I was able to add Madame Defarge to my dream role list and then fulfill it almost immediately. And then yesterday, I got a phone call offering me a role in an upcoming production...

I get to play my absolute number one dream role in my absolute number one favorite musical: Christine Colgate in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.

This is a role that has been on my mind since I saw the production for the first time in 2006. I saw the show five times and was floored at the powerhouse opportunity the actresses had that were playing Christine. What a versatile role; what a singing role; what a cute and fun role; what a charming role. I didn't know how or when I would play it, but I knew I had to. And five years later, I'm being given the chance to do so. And the cast? Really? Holy cats, it's going to be so fun. And let's not forget the fact that I get to play opposite the most talented fella' I know.
Oh, what?... he's also my best friend? Yeah, I know.

I really, really, really can't describe the excitement. I can't describe the giddiness. And most of all, I can't even begin to describe the utter and complete gratitude I feel for being blessed with this. Yet again, I get to do something I've never done before and play a role before that I only dreamed of playing before.

Corny as it sounds, it really does bring me to tears when I ask the question: how and why do I keep getting blessed like this?

The One with the Oxygen Masks.

One of the greatest feelings in the world is grasping that positivity is becoming more and more natural for you. By weeding out the negativity in your life, as I mentioned in my first post of the year, sometimes just by choosing to not be around it, you become more of an advocate to the "when life hands you lemons, squeeze out a smile" saying. I know that some of my posts haven't demonstrated that as obviously as they "should." Honestly, though, just because I'm questioning events and situations in my life does not mean that I am not becoming more and more positive naturally on a day-to-day basis. The advances are small, but I feel them during every little scuffle through. I feel stronger everyday.

(That doesn't mean I don't hit a rut in the road by being overly sensitive to negativity or just... well, overly sensitive altogether. This has stung true today, especially, for some reason, and I'm trying to not let it affect my interactions. Basically, I know I'm not a saint; I am very, very, very aware that I make mistakes and that positivity isn't prominent every step of the way. Which is why I'm working on it.)

Now, I have been lucky enough to get what I've aimed for in recent months. The true test of my "new-found nature" will be if I aim for something and it doesn't work out. I'm not oblivious to the fact that that can happen. And it could happen soon, even. But I know that I'll come out a better person. Who could complain about that?

I'm not going to pretend that failure doesn't exist. I think that is something that people tend to do. I see it so often and have sometimes tried to talk myself into believing it. The minute I let the recognition of the existence of failure cripple my activity in a goal is when the problem truly occurs. I'm still going to aim just as high, no matter what.

A career in performance (of any kind, practically) requires a person to lead a somewhat selfish life. Think about it: you're constantly working on what you look like, what you sound like, how you're being looked at, how you're not being looked at, who you talk to, what you can do to get a leg-up, etc. That being said, I still think it is important to balance yourself in a manner that allows you to remain a human being.

A couple of posts ago, I talked about how lonely I was because I didn't have a relationship... but the more I think about it, the more I'm understanding that these conditions I am in right now - school, job, shows, auditions, etc. - all alone, are vital to me figuring out what I'm going to do with my life. I'm crazy to have thought - because I honestly did years ago - that I would've had everything figured out by now.

Rather recently, I have decided to be a little more quiet and just observe. Myself, yes. But especially the people that I come in contact with everyday. One thing has stuck out to me more than others. I strongly believe that this next part rings true to every single person.
Before take-off on most airlines, there is a demonstration of what to do in the event of an emergency when oxygen is low in the plane's cabin. Ever since I could really understand what they were saying, what struck me was the part about donning our own oxygen masks before assisting anyone else in putting on theirs. It didn't make sense to me at first, but as the years went on, I started to realize the importance in those instructions. While you selflessly help another, you could easily pass out from lack of oxygen and be of no help to anyone.

Taking care of yourself does not mean that you don’t take care of others. In my opinion, they are interlinked. When you have effectively taken care of yourself, you will be in a better position to take care of others, both mentally and physically. Society does not give much positive recognition for being self-indulgent, but being there for those we love and care for undoubtedly requires that we take excellent care of ourselves.

What I've found is that people tend to treat you as well as you treat yourself. When you value yourself, people tend to value you more. (There is, of course, a fine line between cockiness and self-respect. It is very easy, after a spell of self-hate/loathing, to overcompensate when success arrives or changes occur and tread the ugly road of an egotistical attitude.)

All of this, of course, goes hand-in-hand with the phrase, "I can't love someone else until I love myself." This is truly one of the most heart-wrenching statements ever. It's heart-wrenching because it's true. So many of us struggle with that exact situation in our lives. So, what are we doing to fix it?

We have to keep moving. We have to choose not to be stagnant.

I'm not just playing the preacher role here. I am speaking for myself as well as for those in my life that I care so deeply for. While I do feel that I have been able to jump leaps and bounds in self-respect in the last (almost) six months, I still hit a wall sometimes and have to be reminded that the wall ends somewhere and I can either walk around it or climb over it. Insecurities hold us back from fully loving ourselves and being able to love the other people in our lives. Why would we want to miss out on something like fully loving our friends and families? That is, after all, one of the most important goals for us to achieve during our time on Earth. I'm reminded of a 1940's ballad called "Nature Boy," sung by Nat King Cole. The most prominent lyrics state: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

If our hearts are closed to loving ourselves, they are closed to loving others and closed to being loved in return.

The One on Seester's Birthday, 2010.

"A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, and a gold thread to the meaning of life." - Isadora James
Martha was the cutest little toe-head baby ever. Apparently the happiest and smiley-est, too, according to my mom. Martha and I have never really been horribly close. Growing up, she and Roy always bonded tightly together and I often watched on the sidelines... mostly because I hated going outside and the two of them constantly longed for that warm Texas air and playing "adventure." But sometimes I got her all to myself: we always shared a room growing up. I cannot begin to count the endless hours we spent together being creative in that tiny space, whether it be building a Barbie world, turning it into a "house" or a "bank" or a "store."

I smile and even laugh when I think about those instances and I am truly grateful for them. Having a little sister like Martha made my childhood almost ideal. I almost wonder how anyone grows up without a sister.

I bring my little sister up today because it's her birthday. March is apparently the birthday month. Really, though. In the last four days, I've had fifteen friends on Facebook with birthdays. That doesn't make little Martha's any less important, though.

I don't know anyone like Martha. As I've said in posts previous, the little 21-year-old has been through more in even in the last five years or so than most people experience their lifetime. It hasn't been easy watching her experience any of it, but - as I've also said before - I have never witnessed someone handle situation after situation with such grace and strength.

Martha is a strong girl. Oftentimes it is hard to read her or understand her, but I have been amazed at the woman she is molding herself into day after day after day.

I am grateful for the constant friendship I have because I have a sister, and I am so proud to call her mine. Happy birthday, little Martha. I love you.

The One about Crabs in the Bucket.

As I've said in previous posts, I think birthdays are very special and should be treated so. However, I find it hard to make someone really feel special on his or her birthday when I'm 1,500 miles away. While I may not be able to take her out to her favorite restaurant or shower her with gifts throughout the day or wake her up ridiculously early and kidnap her to take her to breakfast from this far away, I can sure try to express how glad I am that she was born.
Mackenzie is a little over three years younger than me and yet one of the most understanding individuals I've ever known. She is absolutely wise beyond her years. When I first met her, I didn't really think that our acquaintanceship would grow into anything more than that, but as time went on, that was proved wrong. I have been able to call Mackenzie my best friend for almost five years now. (Yes, I have two best friends. That's okay, right?) She has been the person that I can literally talk non-stop to for hours on end. We laugh. We cry. We agree. We disagree. And I feel we have watched each other grow up so much in the last few years and have somehow remained consistently side-by-side.

So... that being said, if you haven't already (and you actually know Mackenzie), don't forget to tell her how much you love her. We're all lucky to have her in our lives.

...

Anyone who is a pursuing performer knows that every now and then you're given the chance to be a part of something that is kind of a big deal. Each performer experiences these moments in different ways, and each of these moments are just as important as the next person's.

This past weekend, the cast of A Tale of Two Cities was graced with the presence of an incredible woman named Jill Santoriello, who is the reason why each of us get to perform this extremely touching musical night after night.
Jill Santoriello wrote the music, the lyrics and the book/script to Tale. She and her producer flew out to Utah and spent Friday night and all day Saturday immersed in the production that each of us are so proud of. Her being there brought such a great energy to the piece, and we felt so lucky to have the opportunity to show her that we have been taking care of her "baby," as so many people have referred to it as. It's hard to explain to someone that, through her years of hard work and without even knowing it, a three-hour production can change a person's life; the process, the performances, the music, the story have all contributed to helping me grow not only as a performer, but as a human being, too. I am so grateful for the dedication she put into this body of work and I hope that she continues to amaze people with her genius.

It's almost time. Please, please, please come support A Good Grief Foundation in the "Days of Plenty" Benefit Concert on March 17th at the Historic Murray Theatre. You can purchase tickets here (for $10) or at the door (for $15).
The closer it is getting to this concert, the more excited I am getting. Please come be a part of this evening; like I've said before, it'll be so worth the cheap ticket price and you won't regret it.

Have you ever heard the "Crabs in a Bucket" analogy? It is also sometimes referred to as the "crab mentality."

The theory is that if you have a single crab and put it in a bucket, it can climb right out without any trouble. But if you have more than one in that bucket, you won't have to worry about any of them escaping because they will be so busy pulling one another down that none of them will get out. I heard the idea best described as, "If I can't have it, neither can you." The analogy in human behavior is that a person or people in a group will attempt to "pull down" others by negating or diminishing the importance of any member who achieves success beyond the others, out of jealousy, conspiracy or competitive feelings.

A dear friend, while we were discussing this exact analogy, gave the great advice - instead of falling to the level of those around me and becoming so wrapped up in the fight to "get out" - to kick those crabs in the face and get out of the bucket. It's not impossible. I'm going to focus on just being king of my own hill and queen of my own castle. That's the only thing I have control over.

Little things happen in our lives that make us insecure: something someone says or does, the way that someone looks at you (or doesn't look at you), the way that people act around other people, the way that other people are treated compared to you. Let's be honest, I could go on and on listing reasons why we get insecure.

Everyone has insecurities. EVERYONE. They come about at different moments, but everyone has them. It's human nature. I trust that the confidence that I have in my day-to-day life (now) is real... but that doesn't mean that it can't be shaken a bit. I like to think that nothing anyone says or does to me or about me is going to affect how I feel about myself, but that just doesn't seem to be the way that things are playing out. And that's okay.

I had a breakthrough onstage last night. It happened during "The Tale" number; the scene didn't begin any differently... it's just that something struck me as the stage spun around in the flashback. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you could get tickets to see it and that would help you understand...) As I sat backstage after the number, I tried to figure out what it was that made that breakthrough happen - why was I feeling it more deeply than ever before? Then... I stopped. Because I realized that trying to figure it out wasn't important. I also realized that not knowing where the burst of knowledge for my character came from is one of the exciting things about live theatre. I get to rediscover and uncover new things day in and day out.

And when I say that, I think about the insecurities I've experienced as of late. Couple the feeling I explained in the last paragraph with the sweetest people in the world around me, the prettiest skies above me, a healthy body, a healthy mind, a very solid set of beliefs... and the insecurities are so minute and unimportant that kicking them in the face is just like brushing them off my shoulder.

The fact is this:
No matter where insecurity hits, when it arrives, or why it’s happening... comfort, laughter, ambition and the knowledge that you are loved forever and that you can love forever are always the cure.

The One about the Career Path.

I've had some people say some pretty prolific things to me as far as my performances go. Like most things, though, there are those few statements that stick out more than others. I'll spare sharing the majority of them with you, but... there's one that I just have to share because it's been on my mind, and it's the whole reason I'm starting today's post.

"You've chosen the right career path, Angela."

I don't know if the person that said this even realized what an impact that short statement made; it was said so quickly and probably not meant to really stick out to me... but it really got the wheels turning in my head.

School is kicking my butt lately. Why? Because I really, really don't like it. This distaste I have for school developed at the beginning of last semester, and it really hasn't gone away. I'm afraid I have "senioritis" in the worst way. It's time to be done. My drive to pay attention in class and be motivated to get things in on time is wearing horribly thin. I want to start real life. I'm so sick of due dates and assignments and attendance and all these things in classes that I can't stand and don't understand. This is where I have negativity in my life - school. I feel like it's in my way right now. I have to get a better attitude about. I just have to keep telling myself: August. SIX months. I can do this; I have to do this. I can't begin my "right career path" until I'm done with school - that's why I'm here at all. To learn and grow and adjust my skills until they are finely tuned (which hopefully will continue until the day I die).

I know I've said it a billion times over, but I feel so fortunate to be playing the role I'm playing in A Tale of Two Cities. It is changing my life. I know that sounds dramatic (and why shouldn't it?), but that is undeniably true. It is changing my passion for performances; it is changing my appreciation for the people and the process; it is changing my friendships; it is making me more motivated. I love thinking that this could just be the beginning for me. I love thinking that, with the right choices and the proper professionalism, I will do things even bigger than this. I will be faced with more opportunities to change; and I get to choose to do it over and over and over again.

Someone came and saw the show last night and said to me after, "How does that feel?" Well, wonderful! I get to let loose - within reason, of course - for three hours every other day (and sometimes nine hours in one day - thank you, school matinees!). It's freeing. I have the best job in the world, and I want to get better and better and better at it.

...

I've always taken good care of my feelings. If something is harming me, 90% of the time I am able to push myself away from unwanted stress and negativity. I protect myself. I realize, however, what I am about to say is putting the vulnerable Angela out there for anyone to see, but I want to say it anyway. As is always the disclaimer, please, please, please understand that this is not meant to come off as negative. Please also know that this is not a pity party. It is merely my thoughts regarding the matter, and nothing more. I am not looking for sympathy of any kind, and I trust that my thoughts will be respected as they usually are by the friends that read this blog.

I know that I stand very independently in the eyes of many people; I know that it is very clear that I can take care of myself; I know that I put off a very "strong" air. My mom raised me right - to be absolutely who I am and to take care of myself. There is nothing wrong with that. I am not saying that I am not independent; I am not saying that I can't take care of myself; I am not saying that I am not strong. I know I am.

That doesn't mean I wouldn't love to depend on someone; that doesn't mean that I don't want someone to take care of me; that doesn't mean that, sometimes, I don't want someone else to be the strong one. Sometimes I feel that, because I have chosen to act and live a certain way, I have made myself seem inaccessible - when in all actuality, my heart is rather open and accessible. Cheesy? Maybe.

I have spent so much time over the last two weeks or so stuck on the things that are missing in my life for my future. I am 24 years old. Over the course of my 24 years, I have had one "serious relationship." Realizing that, I'm going to admit right now, rips a little at my heart. I'm just lonely.

But. I'm not unhappy. Being lonely and unhappy do not have to go hand in hand. I'm choosing that they don't. I'm also choosing to understand that I don't want to settle for just anyone. While I am not making a list of traits I want in a man, I am also not willing to just comply to "comfortable."

I'm a girl; you were bound to hear something about being loved by someone at some point... right?

The weight loss has sort of come to a screeching halt as of late. I am realizing that, while I do eat much better than I used to and I do exercise more than I used to (understand that walking 30 minutes in the morning is more exercise than I used to do), I'm letting the stresses in my life be answered for by justification of "cheating" with food. It's so important to me that I reach my goal. I have a set date in mind, and it's do-able... if I buckle down and do it. I am so anxious to get there.

I've lost a grand total of 41 pounds since September 27, 2010 - a little over five months. I have 9 pounds left to lose until I reach my goal weight, and after that, I'm aiming for another 5 pounds... if my body can handle it. Right now, I'm focusing on that remaining 9 pounds, though.

Really, though, that's the important thing with everything I've talked about - with the weight loss, with school, with performances, with friendships and relationships - taking care of the people I love, taking care of the things I love, taking care of me, and taking care of right now.