The One about Alienating People.

Today started as a pretty emotional day. It's just been one of those days where tears just show up for absolutely no reason. I was in the mail room doing the residents' mail earlier and I felt my eyes well up with tears. I even said out loud, "What is going on?!" I had control enough at that moment to stop what I was doing, take a few deep breaths and move on. When the strange feelings went away, I sighed and said to myself, "Thank you, PMS."

I remember months ago when I would've let those misunderstood feelings spin things out of control. But not today. It was PMS; no more, no less.

...

I have been at Weber State for seven semesters now. When I arrived in Spring 2008, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Like just about any college student who attends a new school, I couldn't even imagine what was ahead of me. I didn't know who I would meet, what classes I would learn from, whether my career would bloom as I studied, what opportunities I would have. I only knew a few people - my best friend, a professor, and two other people in the department. I knew where I was going to live and work; and I knew what classes I was going to take that semester.

I dug a hole and practically slept in it for that entire semester; the new people frightened me, the classes scared me, and I even began to wonder if I'd been fooled into thinking I had talent because I was practically invisible. After being in this department for so long, I understand that's how it feels during almost everyone's first semester (unless you're just really lucky). In the semesters following, after getting more involved in the activities on- and off-campus, I started to feel like I was a part of it.

But anyone who has watched me attempt to develop myself over the course of my experience at Weber knows that something wasn't clicking. There was something that didn't seem quite right in my universe. I have made some incredible memories at this school. I have made some wonderful friends. I would not trade these meetings and these performances and opportunities and parties and confrontations and classes and lessons and talks and coincidences for anything. Because they have led me in the right direction in the long run.

However, since I returned to school this semester, I have fallen victim to some (somewhat self-inflicted, I'm sure) anxiety. The first time I felt it was the first day of classes; all I did was merely walk the halls of the Browning Center. Last weekend, I attended a department-sponsored activity - one that I would typically dive right into and enjoy the company of my friends - and I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I caught my legs shaking. I caught myself biting the inside of my lip and pinching my mouth with my index and middle finger - anyone who knows me when I'm anxious knows this happens. I suddenly couldn't handle the crowd. As soon as it ended, I booked it out of there, drove home, dove into my pajamas and was rescued.

I couldn't figure it out, though, no matter how much I thought about it. Until last night when I spoke it out loud...

(You know how you don't really realize something until you actually speak it? Like I mentioned in an earlier blog about finally loving who I am - I didn't understand that that was what I was actually feeling until I actually said the words out loud.)

Association is an amazing thing. Sometimes it can be absolutely wonderful in every way, and sometimes it can just downright mess you up. Of course you know I have to go into detail and explain myself:

The school, the activities and even some of the people remind me of a time when I was extremely unhappy. I associate those things with that feeling - my being overweight, my making horrible choices, my not having any idea what the heck I was doing. Now that things in my life are falling into place so nicely; now that I'm happy; now that I feel comfort in who I am... I have pushed things out of my life because I associate my being unhappy with specific situations. I have alienated people and places. ME. Not all, but certainly some and maybe even most. Remember when I talked about losing friends? It's my fault. Truly. If that's not a big ol' slap in the face and the perfect advantage of learning some serious humility, I don't know what is.

I fully believe that this "issue" is minute when I think of the strides in happiness that I have made over the last four months (tomorrow will mark four months exactly). I think it just shocked me to finally grasp why I was feeling this way. Perhaps that is why I am finding so much joy in meeting and getting to know people at Hale. It's the place that I have been able to reshape myself, especially with this new show - no one really knows what the old Angela looked like and nobody really knows who the old Angela is.

Frankly, though, aside from the anxiety that some situations may cause from time to time, I couldn't change a thing. Just like I wouldn't trade my previous learning experiences for anything, I wouldn't trade this for anything, either.

I am positively, definitively, absolutely happy.