The One where I'm Cast as the Knitter.

The truth is this: I have never loved myself. Ever. In my entire life.

I felt it for the first time a little over a week and a half ago, but it seemed very alien, so I wasn't sure what it was.

It clicked when I said it - actually spoke it out loud - this past week. The words actually came out of my mouth, "I love myself."

My life is undergoing so many changes physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and I'm finally getting to the point where I love who I am. There are people and situations in my life that help make that so, and for those people I am more grateful than I can ever say.

The weight loss helps so much; I'm not going to pretend that it hasn't played a huge role in how I feel about myself as of late. I have a goal I want to reach, and I have a while before I reach it, but the idea of actually obtaining that goal is not out of the question. It will happen, and it will happen because I have made it so. No one else but me. I am able to look in a mirror now and not be completely disgusted with what I see. I am able - and allowed - to be proud of my accomplishments.

I have discussed this with a few people, but it's worth repeating. The things that I get in my life are 100% earned; now, I understand that some people who read that are going to take it as my being cocky, and I apologize right now if that's how it comes off.

But the truth, I realize and recognize, is this: I deserve to be happy. I deserve to make changes in my life and be proud of myself when those changes and those goals are reached. I refuse to wallow in self-pity anymore. When I want something to change, I know I can be the one to do it. Me. And every bit of pride, happiness, energy, love, and accomplishment is earned. That makes reaching goals and getting love and feeling pride a billion times more meaningful than if it were just handed to me on a silver platter.

I turned 24 years old last Friday. I feel so OLD.

I have to remind myself, though, that I haven't just been sitting around doing nothing for those 24 years; ask me a year ago if I felt that way, and I might reply differently. Even though I have done a lot in years previous, my outlook has changed. I think this year has given me, more than ever, perspective on the past, present, and future.

And what an absolutely unbelievable year this has been. December 2009 was a nightmare - my family dealt with some horrible losses within a matter of days. Everything sort of fell apart, and I clung to unhealthy relationships when I came back to Utah after the break; I became a recluse, a brat, even; I lost whatever control I thought I had. So, that "anniversary" this year combined with the year coming to an end, seems to be the perfect time to reflect on things that have happened in 2010.

I have been given truly wonderful opportunities in the last year, and I have grown to appreciate so much through those opportunities. I look forward, more and more everyday, to what might be ahead. Instead of fearing the future, I now crave it.

This picture? Let's talk about it. I have never worked so hard for a role. I have only known the musical for about five months now, but I have immersed myself in the story, the music, and one character very specifically: Madame Therese Defarge.

And I got it. I could tinkle with excitement.

A Tale of Two Cities plays February 16th through April 9th at the Hale Centre Theatre in West Valley. The cast - what I've heard so far - is absolutely mind-blowing... and it sure helps that I get to do another musical with my dear bestie. (Of whom I am more excited for and proud of than I have ever been.)

This role is going to offer me the opportunity of a lifetime - this is, by far, the most intense, wicked, and powerful character I have ever been given the chance to play.

She's a dream role; how lucky am I?

It's going to kick my butt. And I seriously cannot wait.