The One where I'm Scared of Christine.

I have enjoyed publicizing my thoughts and receiving feedback from many of my friends... until someone takes my words and uses them against me. When I started pouring my heart into these writings, I told myself the second that something like that happened, I would make this blog a bit more private. I will spare you the details of the dramatic situation, and instead, thank those of you who respected my words and didn't criticize or insult me for my feelings - however emotional they might be - and beliefs.

I keep thinking that I will get over it, but it's still full-force. I. Am. Scared. To. Death. Isn't it interesting how we, as performers, dream for roles and when they happen to us, sometimes we feel so lost about it and unbelievably afraid of it? (That doesn't mean I'm not completely grateful for it.)

For whatever reason, it's easy for me to dig in and pull out the older, motherly, mature woman (even though I'm far from maternal or mature). Sometimes that seems like the only role I've ever played. The dramatic roles are easier for me. It's easy for me to brood, mope, and even cry onstage. Which is why I've never been cast as Miss Sunshine. Christine is Miss Sunshine and then some, and she scares me to death.

I wouldn't trade this opportunity for anything, but I can't lie and say that I haven't shed a few tears out of fear of the feat ahead (even right smack in the middle of the process). I just want it to be perfect. If I don't do this role justice... well, that's just out of the question. I want to be a versatile performer, and I want it to make perfect sense why this is my biggest dream role. More than proving it to anyone else, I want it to make sense to me why my heart wanted this role so much for so long.

I find myself reaching her more and more with each rehearsal. This has definitely been a trying role for me. I don't want it too sound snotty when I say this - most of the roles I've played have been easy to grasp weeks before the show opens.

It's not hard to look at this as a very good thing: I will constantly be working on and attempting to perfect, and playing the most accurate portrayal of Christine that I know how. Right through the end of the run. I am more than okay with working on that. More than happy to.

On another side of the situation, the fact that Christine is Miss Sunshine and she is the "romantic interest" in the show contributes to the fear. Besides Annie Oakley, I've never played the "romantic interest." I could get away with it in Annie because she didn't have to be teeny and graceful (-ish); she was a woodsy girl (who could've eaten her fill of wild game) and certainly a tomboy.

Many of my close friends know that part of the motivation behind my losing weight was to aim for this role. In fact, many posts back I mentioned the "potentiality" of a situation. This was that situation. OF COURSE there was so much more to the losing the weight than getting a role. I knew that I would be able to gain greater confidence; I knew that it was the right way to live my life; I knew that it was taking care of myself. I knew that it wouldn't be easy, but I knew I had to do it, and I knew that I also wanted this role so much.

I'm sitting at 43 total pounds lost, which means I still have 7 pounds to go before I reach my goal of 50. And after that, I might even shoot for five more. It feels like there's at least 12 more that I can lose.

I've become much more lax in my eating habits lately, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I've taught myself exactly what and how much I can eat in order to maintain my weight... which I've done for well over two months now. It's an amazing feeling to be this self-aware of my body and my weight and my health overall. It's amazing what you can learn, and even teach yourself, in (almost) eight months.

However, I still have a goal, and when I reach that goal, then I know what to do to maintain it.
In exactly four days, I will be making the move to Salt Lake. I have been packing and work on it little by little everyday. It's interesting to recognize that I've been living in Ogden since January of 2008. Besides my home in Texas, this is the longest that I've lived anywhere. Now, granted, I've lived in seven different places since January of 2008... regardless of that, Ogden has become home to me.

I have been through some unbelievably difficult times during my stay in Ogden. I have had some of the best times of my life here, too. I have been through some of my greatest changes here. And I suppose when I finally make the move from Salt Lake in a year and a half or so I'll be saying the same thing. It will become my home. And having Little Sister there will only make that more true.

I'm very excited to move. I have felt a bit of a rut in my emotional life as of late, and I need the change. A new focus. New surroundings. New friends. This can, and will be, an absolutely positive experience. I want that; I need that.