The One with 17.5 Pounds.

In the spirit of Halloween (even though I missed the boat and it was actually yesterday), I will share this with you...

If I'm remembering correctly, we have a home video of Martha chasing the cars on the road because she was dressed as a dog. I think it's safe to say we lived pretty fearless childhoods.

I'm extremely emotional today. Nothing really specific happened to bring about this level of dejection, so I can probably credit it to one once-a-month thing that probably isn't very appropriate to discuss in a blog. But nonetheless, I'm a basket-case, and I'm going to use my blog as a chance to kind of pour it all out there. Forgive the sporadic display of my thoughts (if that's actually how they end up coming out). I'm more interested in getting things out of my jumbled little brain than making things flow.

Now that you've been warned...

I weighed myself this morning (as I do every Monday morning) and I only lost a half a pound this week. Frustrating, truly. Discouraging, too. I suppose it's better than gaining or not losing anything - blah, blah, blah. The thing is, a weight loss that low makes it easy to give up altogether. Why work on something as hard as I do this, why keep so strictly to something like this diet, why deprive myself of some of my favorite goodies for months at a time when the result is so pathetic? I have made a huge change in every little thing I put into my body. Every bit of it is weighed, measured, counted, thought about. And I lost a half a pound. In one week. It sucks.

But...

... the fact of the matter is this (and this is where I talk myself out of my pity party)... I have officially lost 17.5 pounds. In five weeks. That's nothing to pout about, and it's certainly something to be proud of. I'm allowed to say that. I recognize that this diet has done something so much more than just make me "skinnier."

Before I'd started this diet - from the beginning of July until the end of September - I was the most depressed I've ever been in my entire life. I spent countless hours honestly sobbing over who I've been in the past, who I am, and who I was going to become. I was fixated on an unbelievable sense of sadness that I thought I had no control over. I realized, very recently, as I looked back on the past months, that my life has taken quite a turn.

It didn't take a show, a boy, a haircut, a grade, a class, a compliment, or a job to lift me back up. It took something that gave me an intense motivation; it took my waking up one day and realizing that I want to be different, that I had to be different - physically and emotionally. That's what happened the morning of September 27. I hadn't planned on starting a diet that day; I didn't prepare for it; I didn't have a "last supper." I just remember looking at myself in the mirror as my eyes adjusted from the previous night's sleep and recognizing that I have every bit of control over how I feel. That's exactly how this feels... most of the time. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

I have this friend, see, who is absolutely the dearest friend I have ever had. I don't know quite how the friendship works, but it does. I think it isn't far from the truth when I say that this is the most tried and true friendship I've ever known. Sometimes it's hard for me to really find the right words to describe this person who has affected my life so immensely. No one knows me better than he does. I have more fun with him than I do anyone. I am more myself around him than I am, and ever have been, around anyone. He puts up with a lot from me; we bicker back and forth a lot, but I appreciate the challenge he brings. He doesn't just let me be right; he's not intimidated by me or trying to outshine me. Somehow or another, we get each other. When we met, I know neither of us expected to become close friends. He especially has a sour first impression of me, and I don't blame him. I'm just glad he didn't let that stamp our relationship for good. There have been times when I have called him when I've been an emotional mess and he has come to my aid; there have been times when my little car has gotten stuck in the snow, and he has helped me, literally, shovel a path on the street and dig out of it; he has changed my flat tires; he has braved all-night homework assignments with me; he's driven to Texas and back with me - I'm willing to bet if you name something, we've been through it together. I have such a deep unconditional love for him.

Whenever I'm having days like today, for some reason or other, the care that I have for him always resonates in my mind tenfold. He probably knows those days exist because he'll get a text from me or a message or something that expresses my appreciation for him. I am so very, very grateful for him. I just hope he knows that - always - no matter how bratty or difficult I'm being on a given day.

There are a handful of famous women that I admire: Carol Burnett, Audra McDonald, Kate Winslet, Judy Garland... and then there's one that I just can't even think about without getting emotional.

Julie Andrews. Honestly, there isn't another celebrity that brings tears at the mere mention of her name. There isn't another celebrity who is more graceful and gracious. To me, she is the absolute picture of elegance and class.

Last night, I watched the Oprah episode of the 45-year reunion of the entire cast of The Sound of Music movie (or the VonTrapp family part of the cast, anyway...). As Oprah talked with the now 75-year-old Julie Andrews one-on-one, I was absolutely engrossed in everything that was said. One thing stuck out to me more than anything: Oprah asked Julie when and if she knew that her voice was special. She said she was about 13 years old when it hit her. "I recognized that that gift - and it is a gift - gave me an identity." Julie Andrews understands more than anyone, I think, that the talents we receive are absolutely gifts and to take each day as it comes and each opportunity as it comes and to never let a moment pass when we aren't truly grateful for what we've been given. I think that is a wonderful lesson that all of us can learn and remember.

My mom called me the night that that Oprah episode aired and talked to me about how affected she was by it; that's what made me want to find it and watch it. Just as we were about to hang up, my mom said something I will probably remember for the rest of my life...

"Thanks for being my Julie Andrews."