The One where I Reach Halfway.

My mom has come and gone. It was too short of a visit, but we did a lot, and of course we had a wonderful time together. She saw Five Carols/JingleJacks twice, The Drowsy Chaperone once and then watched me sing in church. We talked lots and laughed lots. She is absolutely the most supportive person I have in my life, and she still loves me even when I try to trick her by buying fat free cheese to put on top of our chili.

We have opened Five Carols for Christmas/JingleJacks, and it has been received so well. We have really lucked out with audiences over the course of the last three performances - here's hoping it stays that way.
I have truly, truly enjoyed my experience with this show. While I have been slightly overwhelmed this semester, the joy in putting this little treasure together has really helped to push me along. The realization that this is my last Weber State production hits me harder and harder each night we perform it. The classes, the professors, the friends, the shows - I have grown so much as a person since my first semester here. But at the same time, it's time to go. Graduating will be such a bittersweet feeling.

Today officially marks the halfway mark.

I have lost 22.5 pounds since September 27. Seven weeks. I have 22.5 more pounds to go. I am finally starting to see the changes. My face is thinner. My pants don't fit. My belts are on the last loop; some don't fit at all. My bras don't fit; that's where the weight leaves me first - I have gone down a complete cup-size. Even my fingers and feet have thinned out. And - I might embarrass myself by saying this - I don't wear a shaper in my casual everyday clothes anymore (I wore one every single day from November of last year until September of this year). All of it is very satisfying... and I'm only halfway to my goal weight.

Today is a weird day. I'm not necessarily in a funk; I'm not sad; I'm not frustrated. Just feeling a little weird. My mom left yesterday, and that could be where this weird feeling is coming from. I remember the last two times she came up to visit, a wave of sadness hit. That's not what this is, so that's why I'm slightly confused.

The weirdness is giving way to two feelings: both heartache and empowerment. Quite a combination. Perhaps that might help you understand where the confusion is coming from. The blending of those two feelings should equal indifference, right? One positive feeling and one negative feeling should balance to a feeling of nothing.

Maybe that's the problem.

I can't seem to find the right words to say what I'm feeling, which is really strange for me - I always have something to say, and I always find some way to say it. But then, I'm not really sure words will be able to form my feelings right now - my thoughts can't even fully form my feelings. Am I making any sense? Bear with me.

Please understand, as you read the rest of this post , that I am not putting myself on a pedestal. These things are not necessarily admirable qualities - in fact, I look at them as weaknesses.

For as long as I can remember, I have been super aware/sensitive to the things that other people say - whether it's about me or about other people that I care for. 95% of the time, I weigh the things in my mind before I say them. This is not my way of saying that I am always a nice person - goodness knows I'm not; I just rely on tact. Or try to anyway... I know sometimes I fail miserably.

I have to understand several things if I'm going to continue to call myself a strong person: I cannot control the way that people talk, I cannot control the way that people feel, I cannot control the way that people think, I cannot control the way that people act. This has resonated so true in my friendships and relationships over and over and over. And somehow I still haven't gotten used to it.

I have to understand that I may feel deeper than some people. I hurt harder than some people. For one thing, I'm a girl. For another, I'm a ridiculously sensitive girl. I can't expect someone else that I am communicating with to feel and hurt like I do. (Why would I want someone to hurt?) I just find myself saying so often, "I would never say/do that to so-and-so... what makes so-and-so think they can say/do that to me?" I have qualities that I know people wish would change or disappear completely, and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

The fact is this: I must come to grips with the undeniable truth that I am me and you are you. And I love you because of who you are.