The One about Jackson.

I love my little sister. More than I can say. We don't talk nearly as often as we probably should, but I think about her so much everyday - what a beautiful person she is and how grateful and lucky I am to have her. Life hasn't been a bowl of peaches for her, but she has handled it with more grace than I can even begin to comprehend. It actually makes me a little weepy to even try to imagine the things she has been through. It's those graceful moments that make me look up to her. I'm so proud to call her mine.

(Let's just talk about this picture for a second. Martha is so tiny and looks sunburnt. Our couch is so bad. I never wore pants or shorts - just ran around in my underwear for most of my childhood; this is proof. And I didn't have eyes back then, either.)

Sigh...

Okay. I'm just going to say it. There are people that I don't like. They are very few, but they do exist. There are people that wound me and wound my friends and/or family, and often my opinion of those people, no matter how hard I try, doesn't change. There are personalities that clash, there are people who tick us off. It happens.

(This is so different from first impressions; first impressions are a wonderful thing - even if they aren't right. I am fascinated by them; they allow us to see ourselves as well as others imperfectly. They allow us to make mistakes; I feel like we are better because of wrong first impressions. Do I sound crazy?)

But sometimes those opinions do change. I'm not talking about the first impressions... I'm talking about when someone severely wounds me or my sweet friends and/or family. I have heard before, from numerous sources, that I forgive too easily, that I let people back in too quickly. That may seem the case. But I assure you that I do not make the road back into my heart an easy one to travel. For those of you who have walked it and made it back to me, I hold you more closely than you can imagine. Does that sound totally narcissistic? I am just grateful for the care you took to nurture the friendship - I promise I have to walk that tough road back as well.

And another thing, I don't just dislike someone just for the heck of it. There are always reasons that I perceive as valid. Just as one person has his opinion, I have mine. You are subject to yours, and I am subject to mine.

Phew! And that was my soapbox. I know it's so much less mature and less positive than the rest of my entries have been. I just have been sitting on that soapbox for a few days, and I wanted to say it.

One of my dearest friends, Molly, has an incredible blog. I became well-acquainted with her through it during the production of Peter Pan she and I were in back in November and December of 2007. She actually is much of the motivation of my starting one; she shares her thoughts and feelings so openly, too, and allows so many people to be lifted by her words. She is absolutely one of the strongest people I have ever known.

I have been very nostalgic lately. I'm usually pretty reminiscent, but I have been more so lately. Something was said to me in a Carols rehearsal last week that just opened that door and the memories have just been flooding in. I have changed so much in the last three and a half years, especially. Why three and a half years, you ask? Three and a half years ago, I auditioned for and was a part of a summer stock theatre company in Jackson, Wyoming, that changed my life.That began a spiral of events that absolutely led me to the physical location I am today... but more importantly, it very heavily contributed to the mental and emotional growth I have experienced.

At the end of that summer, I decided to wrap up some of my thoughts in the "Notes" section on Facebook. In one passage of the makeshift one-day blog, I said this: "These last two weeks or so have been an internal and emotional hell for me, to tell you the truth. I have let myself be affected too much by how I am treated. I don't regret the hell I've gone through, though. I am grateful for it. Because I could have walked away from this summer without really comprehending why I came here."

Sounds a little impatient of me, doesn't it? To have expected to understand why I went the Jackson immediately following my working there? I had no idea that that summer was actually beginning to weave the next however many years of my life. Going into that experience, I can say I only expected to walk away with something a little more impressive and a little more professional on my performance resumé. The things I found during that experience are priceless. I found my best friend. I found my school. I found tidbits of my talent, and ways to utilize it. I found aspects of professionalism. I found humility. I found honesty and genuineness. Those finds have grown to innumerable amounts in the last three and a half years. While I absolutely believe I would have still grown with a different experience, I like to think of that summer as the one that really put things into motion for me.

Since I have left Jackson, I have luckily held onto that best friend I found there. I have loved my school and am graduating within the next year. I have learned more about my craft and have found even more ways to use it. I have become more knowledgeable in professionalism. I have taught myself even more humility, and I have striven to become an even more real and honest (sometimes too honest) individual.

I am always, always trying to be a better person. When I get a lapse in judgment and do something stupid, I try to teach myself a lesson from that. I do not see myself as perfect in any way, shape or form. I, like everyone, am simply learning - slowly but surely - who I am going to be for the rest of my life.

Exciting.