The One with A LOT.

They say honesty is the best policy. As a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, I quite agree with that statement. I hope that I portray that in my day-to-day life, and I hope to portray that in all of my posts here. That being said, the following is a lot - a lot of stuff about me. My hope is that it doesn't appear too self-absorbed. Putting everything to words and writing helps me sort my thoughts and holds me accountable, too.

The past month and a half since I last blogged has been eventful to say the least. I celebrated my 27th birthday, which made me feel like an old cat. I always love looking back at the past year and noting all I've done. I think it's safe to say that Year 26 was the most eventful of them all, and I'm sure I feel that way because of the big move. That being said, I'm beginning to grasp a better understanding of aging in this industry. Thankfully, it's not as brutal as the ballet industry, but the older I get, the more I feel like I'm running out of time. I want to have a decent amount of experience under my belt so that people will take me seriously as I age. It's not that the business doesn't let "old people" be a part of it; it's just always better to start younger, so I feel like an old fart at 27. I didn't really feel that way until I got out here, honestly, because I didn't realize how important it was. No one ever really talked about it before.

Aside from the birthday and feeling old, I went to a few auditions since the beginning of December, one of which was for the Northeast Children's Theatre Company's production of A Year With Frog and Toad. I was cast as one of the five cast members and have been in rehearsals for the past two weeks. I'm playing a bird, turtle, mole, frog, squirrel, and slug. The production performs four shows at the Fairfield Theatre in Fairfield, Connecticut, and then tours to elementary schools in the area. It has been an absolute joy working on this show. I don't think I've ever clicked so quickly with a cast, and I'm certainly being stretched creatively in a way I didn't think I really would be. The music is some of the hardest part-singing I've ever done. It's very high-energy. I literally have nothing like this role on my resume, and I'm very excited to add it. Plus, it's brought back that blissful feeling of rehearsing and looking forward to performing in a show again. There's something magical, too, about booking a job out here. Was it that glamorous job I imagined my first show in New York would be? No, but I am pleasantly surprised and ridiculously thankful for the opportunity. I love how much I've learned and grown from it already.

I performed at a few bars in there somewhere and found myself humbled by one in particular. I'm a very "yes" kind of girl; I'm not really above anything, but from that experience I learned to do my research and learn more about the job before I just say "yes." Fortunately, my friends who attended are the nicest and didn't judge me because of the quality of the event.

I went home for eleven days and spent six of those in a lake house in The Middle of Nowhere, Louisiana. It was perfect. I got to see my entire immediate family - brother and sister-in-law, mom, dad, sister, niece, and the best dog (of course she is part of the family). 

We played games, watched movies galore, ate far too much good food and had far too much good conversation. Most of those eleven days were also spent in pajamas, which makes a vacation a vacation, in my personal opinion.

I returned to the city to celebrate New Year's Eve in Times Square. I didn't make it in, so I came home to eat pizza and drink milkshakes while watching Forrest Gump with my wonderful roommate.

Just a few days later, I was officially offered and accepted a contract with Holland America as the female lead singer, or F1, on the Oosterdam. Rehearsals begin March 26th in Los Angeles, and the first cruise sails on May 11th. The first four months are spent in Alaska and the second four months are spent cruising Australia, New Zealand, and the South Pacific. Somewhere in those eight months, we'll also be hitting Hawaii and Fiji. I return to land on January 16, 2015.

Now that you are up-to-date on recent events...

I share that quote above for a number of reasons: one, to give me the courage to do what it says; two, for dramatic effect (of course); and three, to help you understand perhaps what's ahead in this post... basically if dramatic (and a bit of religious and personal) honesty freaks you out, stop here.

Phew. Now that you've been warned... here we go...

I have felt very, very dark in the past couple of months. Without formal diagnosis, but also without a doubt, I have been in a very deep, dark (and seemingly pathetic, I'm sure) depression. Everyday has been such a struggle. On January 2nd, I finally hit a wall of the deepest sadness I think I have ever felt in my entire life. Life felt like a mess and felt all sorts of out of control; I felt alone and abandoned. I sat in my room and let myself lose it for a while. I don't say prayers nearly as much as I probably should, but I prayed harder than ever before while I sat there and cried. I was angry and mad and confused and worried and sick and tired and hurt and just all of it. I didn't know what else to do. I want to be happy. I was begging for happy, searching for it, and I couldn't find it anywhere. So I prayed and cried, cried and prayed, until I couldn't think of anything else to say. It didn't happen right in the moment I ended the prayer, but answers to that prayer started rearing themselves all around me, little by little, coupled with the work I know I have to do to become healthier emotionally and even physically.

Yesterday, I had a thought while I was talking with a friend on the street: I have been fixated on what I have left behind and have been grappling and trying to hold onto relationships that are, undoubtedly, falling away from me because of the distance between us. I have been spending so much time trying to keep them as they were when I left them physically that I don't let myself get to know and love people here. I have been living in New York without living in New York. And I can only reach out so far before I tire of it and hurt, too. Distance does change friendships, and it has immensely. I have stubbornly clawed and scraped and pleaded to hold onto them and keep them exactly the same, but the fact of the matter is, they're changing. This does not mean I am giving less to or ending any one friendship; it just means accepting them for what they are turning into and letting them nestle into the beautiful friendship they can still be in the distance.

After all of that me talk, I am trying to learn how to be less self-absorbed and be a bit more of a grown-up. They say that charity and kindness toward others can also push us to become happier people. If we help in making someone else happy, we can also be happy. I know so many people who need a helping hand or a listening ear, and I don't offer that to them enough. I am so sorry for that and want to change that genuinely.

I have a little more time left in the city before I leave for the cruise rehearsals, a lot of which will be spent travelling and doing A Year With Frog and Toad. I will be returning to the city after my contract, but my hope is that over the next little while before I leave, I can open my eyes to my surroundings and my friends here and re-fall in love with this place I have been in love with for all my life. I also am going to try to live here today and to grow stronger and healthier and make my way back to the happy person I know I can be.