The One About Neediness and Comparison.

I keep putting off blogging.

I actually have two posts sitting in my drafts that are pretty much complete that I just keep putting off publishing.

I'm afraid that what I have to say may concern or worry those I love, and I don't want that. And I realize that sentence alone may have done just that.

Here's the deal... I want people reading this to know that I AM A HAPPY PERSON. Even right now. Sometimes happy people go through hard times... that does NOT mean they hate their lives or where they are and so on.

I'm in a weird place. There. I said it.

As of four days ago, I have lived in New York for six months. As of four days ago, I have attended 32 auditions. I have performed at six bars/cabarets/competitions. I have been called back for one show. I have scraped by financially. I have paid over $4,200 in rent alone. I have paid over $500 in Metrocard fees. I have continued to pay for my student loans, gym membership, groceries, headshot prints, resumes, classes, sheet music, audition clothes, winter wear, etc. I have felt so lonely that I have fallen apart numerous times. I have considered going back to Utah twice to audition for/submit for shows there.

I have never needed love like I need it here and now. I'm not talking about romance. That's never really been the most important thing in my life. I'm talking about brotherly, rational and irrational, close, unconditional love. I'm talking about love as a force of nature. I've never felt like I'm grappling for it like I am now. I'm almost 27 years old and need to be loved. Everybody needs it, I know. And the truth is, I don't suppose I'm loved any less by my friends and family. I just need it more. I am needy. And I hate that.

This neediness rears its head in many forms: overcompensation, jealousy, anger, sadness, quiet, and so on. At one point, I assumed this was part of depression. I've since gotten past that.

So where did this neediness come from? A lot of things, I think: the difficulty in making friends here, the lack of success I'm having in my craft, the lack of connection I have with people in general. I feel very out of the loop with the rest of the world, but I also feel like I'm right smack in the middle of the chaos of it.

I walk out of my apartment daily and always, at some point, look around and think, "I actually live here," and I'm proud of that fact and happy about it and excited about it. I find new things to see and explore everyday. So what's the problem, Angela?

I think it comes down to this: nothing quite seems to be in my control right now.

My heart literally aches to do a show. ACHES. I even took a train to a community theatre in White Plains to audition for a show there. I didn't care that it would cost me $17 to get there for the auditions/callbacks and each rehearsal. I didn't care that it would leave me practically broke if I was cast. I just wanted to do something that made me feel as wonderful as performing in a show makes me feel.

Basically what I'm getting around to saying is... life is hard. Even more, New York is hard. Literally harder than I could have ever imagined. To those considering the move, I wish there was some way to prepare you for how hard it is. I wish someone could have prepared me for it. I don't really know for sure if it's this hard for everyone, although I can't imagine it wouldn't be. But perhaps how emotional of a person I am is contributing to how difficult all of this seems.

Ask my mom, I am the Queen of Comparison. I don't know where it started, but I've just always, always compared myself to those around me: not just in negative ways, no, but most often, yes. This happens to a lot of people, though, doesn't it? I think it's also something that is very prominent in the performing/theatre arts industry. We compare our work and our successes to those before us or alongside us. It's a very competitive business, so Queen of Comparison here has plenty of like company.

It's gotten just HORRIBLE since I moved out here, and here's why:
I'm not a model. I'm not a "looker." I don't have a memorable face or sharp features that make me stick out. I'm built like an Amazon woman. I have big feet and broad shoulders, a button nose, squinty eyes, big arms, a big noggin, straight eyebrows, and a round face. I was literally told at one audition that I wasn't "pretty enough." There is an incredible fixation on looks in this industry, and I'm just learning how to be okay with it. I have to be okay with it if I'm going to stick with it. And dammit, I'm going to stick with it.

The women that I audition with are not only incredibly talented singers and actors, but they also look like goddesses, Barbies, and beauty queens.

I talked myself out of an audition one morning. Okay, so it's happened every now and then since I've been here. This is how it usually occurs: when my alarm goes off at 5:00 or 6:00 AM, I turn off the piercing noise. I stare at the bright screen on my phone for a while and usually utter out loud, "Oh my gosh," because of how tired I feel. That is then followed by the thought, no one should be up this early. Ever. Then I weigh the audition itself in my mind...

Is it worth my time?
Will they even see me?
Am I right for the role?
Is my song choice good enough?
Do I feel fat?
Am I skinny enough?
Am I pretty enough?
Will they even care?
Will they even look up?
Will there be tons of others there better than me?

This one morning in particular sticks out more than others because it was an audition I'd been looking forward to and preparing for for some time. I even made myself up completely, curled my hair, walked out the door of my apartment, got on the train, trudged those six blocks and walked right up to the building. I had the perfect song and a smile on my face. All before 6:30 AM, too.

But I didn't stop when I got up to the building... nope. I just kept walking... right past every single person already in line. In those short seconds upon approaching the crowd, I did a once-over of all of the ridiculously beautiful women in line and told myself I didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of catching anyone's eye in that audition room, and that's if I would even be seen. I went to the gym, signed up for a membership, and went home without looking back. I put my pajamas back on, wiped off all my makeup, put my freshly curled hair in a messy bun on top of my head, and crawled back into bed to sleep the day away.

A lyric from a show comes to mind: "A vampire is any person or thought or feeling that stands between you and your creative self-expression."

I am and have been my own personal vampire. Have I been doing the work? Yes. Definitely. But have I ever gone into an audition free of doubt and, instead, full of self-love and belief in myself? Have I ever not looked at or listened to those other women and not thought about running out of the building screaming? No. There have been moments of self-love and believing, but the comparison factor always outweighs those moments.

If you've ever noticed, it doesn't matter how many people you have on your side cheering you on... if you aren't on your side, you can't get past "go." So this all comes full-circle... why am I so needy of love? Because I'm not giving myself the love from myself that I deserve... and so I'm grappling for it from others more than usual.

The human mind wants and almost needs to compare or rank. Our minds naturally want to know where we fit into the scheme of things. So we need to give those crazy minds something to do. I need to give my crazy mind something to do.

I have expressed before my unwillingness to stand stagnant. When I say I'm going to do something, I do it... little by little, perhaps, but eventually, I will do it. I'm not a talker; I'm a doer. We are always becoming more. Older, wiser, more experienced, etc., and who we are today is a direct result of yesterday's experiences, of previous experiences. We are always creating, always expanding, always fulfilling something.

I had this thought today. I don't know if it's possible to train my mind to stop comparing altogether, but perhaps this is a possibility: why not choose to modify the comparison to a former version of myself and keep the comparison within who I am becoming?

Listen, I know it sounds cheesy, but this is real stuff here. Too often we compare ourselves with someone else who we perceive as doing, having, or being more, being better.

And this just leaves us, or at least me, coming up short.

Unless that "someone else" is just myself. Unless I decide to look at who I was yesterday and say, "That's right. I am a better Angela Jeffries today than I was yesterday. And I'm going to be a better Angela Jeffries tomorrow than I am today."

Realistically, I know it's not that easy to stop comparing myself to others. But I feel this is a healthy and good place to start.

This idea allows me to be uplifted by comparison rather than weakened, hurt, or hindered by it. This teaches me to love myself and take care of myself and reflect on myself, rather than look at others and envy, desire or wish for what they have. Instead of submitting to the temptation of comparing myself to the beautiful blonde standing in line who will soon belt her face off, I will ask myself: Am I doing something today that I could not have done five years ago, two years ago, six months ago, one month ago? Have I done things in the past six months that I thought impossible before? Have I stopped engaging in negative behavior that I never thought I could avoid? Am I doing what I said I would do? YES!

In short, am I daily becoming an improved version of myself?

Absolutely.

The only person I should try to be better than is the person I was yesterday. I can handle that. And, as hard as it is out here, I am handling that. I'm handling it better today than I was yesterday, and I'll handle it better tomorrow than I am today.