The One about Joy.

Most of what I remember about high school was my involvement in the theatre program during my sophomore, junior, and senior years. The other classes I took, save a couple, sort of just breezed past me with little interest. I remember my teachers, sure; I remember the basics of each class. But very little stuck out to me.

Except for those classes in that little black box. It's safe to say that was my second home. I spent countless hours before and after school in that classroom, getting to know very tender people and trying to get to know myself. I learned countless lessons in those three years, and that is, after all, where I started actually doing shows. I feel like I owe a lot to that place.

More specifically, I owe a lot to a particular individual.
This sweet lady spent literally hundreds of hours talking to me about anything and everything. She was there for me during times of serious struggle. She helped me through every little thing. I didn't make her job easy, but she still showed the most unconditional love for me and the rest of her students. She gave me such a drive to actually get out and do something with the talents I'd been given. Such invaluable lessons learned in just three short years.

The gratitude for this special mentor comes especially lately because one thing she said to me during my senior year has been on the very brim of my mind over the past few weeks. The thought initially came about thanks to my last post; what started out as a negative energy turned into my being able to reflect on past wisdom and positivity.

During one of my saddest times, I remember running to her - crying, of course - in a state of helplessness. I very distinctly remember saying, "I don't know how to be happy anymore." It's hard to say if she remembers this conversation, and it's hard to remember every little detail myself. But somewhere, shortly after I said that, she said, "Happiness, though it is a choice, is a fickle thing. Joy is a condition of the heart. Teach yourself how to restore joy."

I didn't get it then; I don't even really suppose I felt joy before that. I'm not saying that I had it bad for 24 years; I had and have the sweetest family, the most tender friends, the best opportunities... I just was choosing and conditioning myself in a way that disallowed true joy.

But today, six years later, joy has been restored.

Joy is a condition of the heart. One can feel joy no matter what is going on around him or her. Unlike happiness, which is dependent on circumstances, joy is a condition of the heart that we can hold to no matter how difficult life becomes. No matter how lonely I might get because I'm a single girl, 24 years old in Utah, surrounded by relationships. No matter how fat I might feel one day. No matter how frustrated I get at work. No matter how bummed I get about classes. No matter how tired I feel. No matter.

My mom, another incredible and inspirational woman in my life (as I've expressed several times before), has said to me over and over for literally as long as I can remember, "All I ever wanted you to do is love yourself."

And I do. I am my own best friend; I know myself better than anyone knows me; I like spending time with just me; sometimes, I even think I'm hilarious (sometimes I'm the only one who thinks so, and that's okay, too).

That's not to say that I don't get in fights with myself. That's not to say that sometimes I don't want to be by myself. That's not to say that I don't appreciate and treasure and hope to nurture every sweet friendship I have in my life. Remembering that happiness is contagious, I choose to surround myself with positive people who share my values, goals, and dreams. I have immense joy and joyous occasions in my life everyday. I'm going to do everything I can to refresh it and keep joy restored.

I know this sounds cheesy, but I'd be a fool to say that my whole life isn't cheesy. It certainly is. A cheesy, happy, sometimes bumpy, but eventually absolutely beautiful and joyous life.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.