The One with the Blicky.

For whatever reason, I'm feeling extremely down on myself today. I really can't put my finger on why. I've even been sitting here for several minutes just trying to figure out what is making me feel this way, and nothing is coming to mind. I just feel... blicky.

These things happen to the best of us, right? That's where the phrase "waking up on the wrong side of the bed" comes from. And honestly, not knowing why I'm feeling this way is worse than actually knowing. Not knowing makes me just question everything: what I dreamed about, yesterday, tomorrow, work, money, friends, the weather, my physical appearance, my mental state, Aunt Flo, relationships, etc. It makes me doubt myself, my abilities, my friendships, every little thing. And it could be nothing more than me getting five minutes less sleep than my body wanted. It's frustrating... and unjustified.

I don't ever want to have a bad day. They just happen. Things just happen. I try to avoid them altogether, and usually do, but this bad day seemed to slip right on in and make himself at home.

The truth is, without bad days, how would I be able to know what a good day is like? How would any of us be able to know what a good day is really like? And good days are unbelievably plentiful in my life; they are all around every single one of us. Today is just a bump in the road. A teeny, tiny little bump in the road. Yesterday was wonderful, and tomorrow can be, too.

I have a very strong belief that when things go awry, I have the power to fix or change them. So, I'm going to go take a shower, put on some make-up and then slap a pretty little smile on my face. Because the world always looks brighter from behind a smile.

The One with the Kindness.

I hate filing taxes. Truly. And working at a place that doesn't take out taxes throughout the year is just downright inconvenient. I've been working on entering my mileage records for the past three hours, and it's time for a break.

I thought about eating some cookies. I thought about watching something on TV.

But instead, I'll just vent what's on my mind today. Besides filing taxes, that is.

I recently caught up on my friend Molly's blog. A couple of posts back, she wrote about the power of kindness. You can read it here. As I read it, I kept waiting for the one event that made her choose to sit down and blog about the power of kindness. And then I read her last short paragraph, where she shared that the acts of kindness that were expressed on her that day were miraculous and influential.

And she's right. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, actually, not just today. I am surrounded by miracles and kindness everyday - in a smile from a stranger, in someone opening or holding a door, in someone letting me in front of them in line at the store.

Then I think, why don't I do that more often? How easy would it be to just let that guy over into my lane in traffic? How simple would it be to help that talkative old lady downstairs with her groceries? To pay for the guy's food behind me in the drive-thru? To smile at a stranger? To respond to that email that's been sitting in my inbox?

It TRULY does take so little to prove that you care so much.

The One Where I Live Without.

I'll be honest; now that I'm no longer working a desk job, blogging doesn't come as easily.

The good news is, I'm working. I landed a job as a Guest Service Agent at a hotel downtown. I feel very fortunate that I was able to find the job so quickly - about three weeks ago. It's exhausting, but it's full-time, it pays rather decently, it's a short drive there, and I really do like it. I've learned so much in these first few weeks about hotels and businesses in general. A lot of it is very surprising and intriguing. I don't think anyone who visits a hotel understands all the work that gets put into each and every guest... and all the things the person simply standing at the front desk must know in order for it to be a smooth and comfortable stay.

Moral of the story: be nice to the people helping you at hotels... don't treat them like peons. They're people, and they want you to be happy; no one is out to get you on your vacation, especially the people running the scene. BE NICE.

When I'm at home during my leisure time, I find that I spend far less of it at the computer (hence the lack of bloggage) and more of it watching television series episodes: Grey's Anatomy, The Biggest Loser, Alcatraz, Desperate Housewives, Modern Family, New Girl, Touch, Friends, and Slings & Arrows... to name a few. (And, yes, I'm a bit embarrassed by that list.)
I've come to the conclusion that my brain, after so much schooling, is taking a bit of a break. School wore me out, and that's the truth. I felt like I was in it for far too long, and I was far too deeply buried in the stress that is class and homework and deadlines.

That doesn't mean that I haven't stopped thinking, no. It just means that I'm letting life happen as turtle-speed as I see fit. Truly, this month has crept by so slowly, and I'm more than okay with that while my brain takes its vacation. But only for a little while. Angela Jeffries can only stand stagnant for so long.

While the brain-break is nice, there is one thing that's making life feel a little askance: I miss performing. I don't mean for that to sound so cliché because it is the truth. It's been almost a month and a half since A Christmas Carol closed, and I miss the stage horribly. I miss the rehearsals. Heck, I even miss the auditioning. And my next planned audition isn't for another two-ish months.

I'm entertaining myself with the new songs that I'm learning (3 down so far), but it's not enough. I'm reading more scripts and collecting more sheet music and watching more bootlegs, but it's nothing compared to actually feeling (forgive the cliché again) the lights on my skin. After all, I have been performing and rehearsing non-stop for almost four years, with almost no breaks in between productions.

I got a bit emotional about it the other day, actually, as I was reading the 110 In the Shade script. I wasn't a mess or anything - tears just sort of brimmed my eyes a bit.

I am connected so deeply to the theatre art form that it breaks my heart to be away from it. In that moment, I thought about something someone said to me once, "If theatre disappeared from your life or it never existed, you need to know that you would be okay, that you would survive."

Sometimes I say that I feel like my life would be over if I ever lost my ability to sing, but I know that's not the case. The truth is, I would be okay. I absolutely would survive without it. I would have other hobbies, and I would be pursuing a different career. I would have different friends, the same wonderful family. I wouldn't really know what I was missing, and therefore I would be okay.

But then I thought of something else someone said to me. "You are what you think about all day long." Art. I think about so many different art forms all day long: writing, music, performance, crafting, discovering, dreaming, reading. And it all improves my life, mixed right in with my incredible family, my beliefs, my heart, my friends, and every other little perfect addition.

So... survival would be possible without it. But I prefer my life in a way that is so much more than "surviving." I prefer feeling; I prefer aching for it when it's not around. Best of all, I prefer living with it and loving it, too.

The One with the 2012 Resolutions.

When I looked up the word "resolution" on Dictionary.com, I found some very inspiring words that will help me write this post - words like determination, firmness, decision, judgment, perseverance, tenacity, strength, fortitude, and lastly of course, resolve.

This year, I hope to be transformed. Psychologically, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. While I do feel that I am in a great place of happiness right now, I know that there are things within my reach that will allow me to be even happier. Right at my fingertips, in fact.

I waited a little longer than I wanted to put together this post. It's an important one that took some pondering, but I wanted to get the ball rolling sooner rather than later... and it seems that later is here. But it's never too late, really, to make and share goals. Right? Right.

So, here we go.
Get a decent job.
Since I am no longer at Weber, I am in Salt Lake for good... which means that I am no longer employed at the Housing Office at Weber. I'm hoping for this one to happen within the next week or so. I have already begun the hoards of applications online - over 40 now. I've interviewed twice and have a fairly potential opportunity. I plan to hold onto this job - whatever one I end up with, that is - until it is time for me to move to the East Coast.
Go to church.
Interestingly enough, I have felt very spiritually fulfilled for some time (mostly in the last year and a half) without going to church. I have been meditating on occasion and have been praying often. But even in the last month or so, things haven't really been feeling quite as solid in the spirituality field. I want to go back to attending church regularly and taking care of my beliefs, morals, and ethics.
Lose 10 pounds.Listen, I know it seems a little crazed. But I promise the weight is there to lose. I know how to lose it, and I know that it's possible. Physically, I am in a place right now where I am very comfortable with my body. However, I feel that I still have room to grow... or shrink, rather. I want to be tiny; there, I said it. I was so very lucky to be blessed* with the bones of an African Bush Elephant, so I always feel a bit on the bulky side. I want that feeling to go away, so I'm going to do whatever I can to make it so. I'm not obsessed with losing the weight, no. It's just something I want. And by eating right, I can do it. I also choose to make it easy. (And when I reach that goal, I'm going to share every little detail about the entire process. I can't wait for that!)
*Denotes sarcasm. In case you were wondering...
Save money.With the expensive city that never sleeps on the horizon, having a deep savings account built up before I leave is a must. This means budgeting. This means frugal spending. This means bargain-hunting (one of my favorite things, really!), coupon-cutting, and watching every dollar I spend. Not so much to ask so that I can continue to pursue my dreams, is it?
Expand my song repertoire.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I am constantly working on building my sheet music library. I buy, trade, barter, and borrow and tuck it all away into my collection. One of my favorite things to collect, however, are the more obscure musical theatre style songs... like Scott Alan, Jonathan Reid Gealt, Kooman & Dimond, Pasek & Paul, Georgia Stitt, etc. I have more than 100 different unique female songs that I haven't really touched since they came into my possession. I would love to learn one song every two weeks. Easy-peasy.
Expand my cooking repertoire.
Easy cooking, healthy cooking, super tasty cooking, cheap cooking. Find recipes, try them out, tuck them away so I don't have to be homeless in New York. (Any suggestions are totally welcome! Please!)
Improve as a performer/build my performing resume.
There are some shows that I'm itching for this year. I will prepare my audition materials and do my best at callbacks and cross my fingers for a casting call. If given those opportunities to be in a show or a few, I will utilize every resource I can to grow with every step of the process.
Blog more.
I absolutely blogged more last year than I did in 2010. That's thanks to the Tributes back in November and thanks to the fact that I only started blogging in September in 2010. I want the number to escalate again this year. It won't be easy. If I want to beat last year's number - 59 posts - I will have to post more than once a week. I have faith that I can do it. It has become such a joy for me to have the past documented like this; I get to go back and "re-feel" things. I recommend it to anyone. Really! Try it out.
Be more positive.
I don't really need to elaborate on this, do I? It's pretty self-explanatory: I just want to wake up on the right side of the bed more.
Be a better friend/daughter/sister. Be a better person.
I'm not always the nicest friend. Even to those I'm closest to. Sometimes I get defensive or testy or annoyed or bored. I want to be a rock to my dear ones. I want to be patient. I want to be the best friend, the best sister, the best daughter anyone could ask for.

There they are. All 10 of them. Wow, that's a lot, huh?

But I can do it. I want to do it.

2012 is going to be a big year - for all of us - I can feel it. I feel that this year will bring incredible changes, hardships, bumps, smooth-sailings, adventures, surprises, upsets, heartbreaks, you name it. It won't be an easy one, but it will be one that we, with time, will treasure. I choose to take 2012 one day at a time, to soak up every tiny little thing and to continue to live my life to the fullest.

The One Where I Recap the '11 Resolutions.

Last year, on January 4th, I took the time to blog about my 2011 resolutions.

I'm going to take the time today to recap those resolutions. I fought doing this because... well... I didn't do all of them. It's a little embarrassing to say, "Hey, here's what I said I would do in 2011, and I didn't really do it. I only sort of did it."

But I did sort of do it. More than sort of, I guess. I'll stop all this jabber and just move on so you can see exactly what I mean.

So... here they are... Angela's 2011 Resolutions:

Lose 18 more pounds.

Resolution semi-achieved, but not really. I lost 13 pounds throughout the rest of the year. That means I still have another five to go. Within this resolution, I also aimed more materialistically at fitting into a size 2. And I did. You can read about the day it first happened here. Size 4 is still the most comfortable, but a 2 just as comfortably can't be that far away. Right? The most important thing is that I have maintained healthily within all the weight I've lost. I've figured out what foods are healthy and what foods aren't, when to stop eating, and how to continue to enjoy food. I do gorge myself on occasion (and I'm not ashamed of it, which is also progress), but I can always come right back with healthy eating. It's been easy, honestly.

Work out.

Resolution not achieved. This is the one I'm most embarrassed by. It lasted about two months, working out at least four times a week. I ran a lot, I walked a lot, I went to the gym, I even bought a Wii Fit and used that as my source of working out for a little while. And then, somewhere along the way, I stopped. It became a burden more than anything, and I was getting behind with school. So I weeded out one of the only things I could. I'm not proud of it, and I really would like to work it into my life again, but this year didn't seem ideal.

Get A's.

I took 11 classes this year (worth 32 credits), from January thru December. I got an A or an A- in 7 of the 11 classes. I got two Bs, a C, and a D (yikes). I worked my tail off and walked away with a cumulative 3.4 GPA (over those three semesters that I took). I can't complain too much. The resolution was to make my grades as perfect as I could; while I do feel like that C and that D weren't necessary, I did what I could, and I certainly did better than last year. What more can I ask for there?

Make new friends.

Boy, oh boy. My garden of friends grew beautifully. While my time at Weber State did lessen and some of the friendships I built there did fade, I grew to know more people elsewhere and on many different occasions. In addition to the new people around me, I was also able to hold onto the sweet friends I had before. I weeded out some of the negativity that was constantly in my life and allowed myself to build a positive circle of friends, one that I feel completely safe, completely taken care of, completely equal, and completely happy in.

Improve as a performer.
It is my hope that this will be a resolution I aim for constantly. I hope to never reach the point where I stop improving, and I know it is in my control that I continue to learn. This year was very good to me, and I had a blast with every second of it. In A Tale of Two Cities, I was the villain: a first. As many of you will recall, Tale was a tender little experience for me. I met and got to know one of my favorite directors (and favorite people, too); I met and got to know some very talented individuals. I met and got to know some wonderful audience members. And I learned from every single person I came in contact with. For the first time ever with a show, I was utterly and completely open to learning absolutely everything I could. It was a humbling experience and one that I will never, ever forget. Immediately following Tale was Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. In the role I was dying to play, in a role I dreamed of playing, and in a role unlike any I had ever played. The rehearsal process was wonderful... easy, even. And every second was fun-filled. Truly. That show was a PARTY all the time. Every performance was an adrenaline rush. I spent so much time with some of my very best friends. Even now, I ache for it. Right after Dirty Rotten was Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. This was a role I had played before, and thank goodness for that, because the music came easily to me while I struggled with just about everything else. I'm not a dancer, but the role of the Narrator in this production was involved in many a number with the ensemble. It pushed me more than I thought it would, honestly. It made me really hunker down. As time rolled on, I did begin to feel comfortable in the role. The audiences were hysterical, and the cast was SO FUN. I loved feeling like a rockstar in the costumes; I loved belting my brains out. I loved it, and it exhausted the bejeebies out of me. After Joseph came A Christmas Carol. I sang a couple of solos, danced a ditty, and had a few lines. The role was very small, yes, but the role isn't always what makes a show special. More often than not, it's the people. And these people, from the very beginning, became a family to me. I loved rehearsals with (again) one of my favorite directors/people, and I loved the eventual performances, even if it meant five costume and wig changes. It was the most perfect way to celebrate the season. And it really was a beautiful little show. All in all - and I say this with hopes that no one will misinterpret this by thinking that I'm blowing my own horn - I feel that, yes, I did grow as a performer. I was pushed and pulled and poked and prodded and torn down and lifted up. If I didn't improve in all of that, I've got some rethinking to do, don't I?

Graduate.
Yeah. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO did it. Finally.
And I am so thrilled and... even proud of myself.

Move to Salt Lake.
Yep. I can check this one off, too. I made the move back in June, and I am so happy to be here. I love the city, and I love being this close to everything. We may not live in the coolest or classiest apartment complexes, but it's really not too bad. Now that I've graduated, I really won't have to go to Ogden anymore. And I can't say I'll miss it... because I love it so much here!

Bring more positivity into my life. Redefine friendships.
This one goes hand-in-hand with the "making new friends" resolution. I feel that this was absolutely accomplished. I am so grateful for every single one of my friends, old and new, and for the positivity they constantly bless my life with. I am the luckiest girl in the world, I know that.

Life was so sweet to me this year. I may not have passed the resolution test with flying colors, but I got by and I got by and I'm proud of how I got by. I may not have exercised as much as I wanted; I may not have gotten ALL A's in my classes; I may not have lost five more pounds... but the things that REALLY counted happened, didn't they? I can say that, can't I? I really can't complain.

I'm happy with you, 2011. You made me better and you made me want to be better all the time.

The One with the 2011 Recap.

As was the case last year, I am taking the time now to look back on the past twelve months of my life. It's been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs and twists and turns, but it certainly has also been a year of many firsts, many lasts, and many experiences and opportunities I wouldn't trade for anything.

Dear 2011, thank you for:

• 2011 resolutions (some I met, some I did not... which I will share in a later post)
• Completely inappropriate laughing fits
• In general, lots and lots and lots of laughing
• Sushi
• Wii Fit
• Incredible productions I was able to attend (especially the ones I didn't expect to be as brilliant as they were!)
• A total of 45 pounds gone (since September 2010), 15 pounds this year
• Grapes
• Maddie and our Make-A-Treat Sundays
• A Tale of Two Cities
• Days of Plenty Benefit Concert
• Slumbies
• Waffles
• Stephanie J Block & Julia Murney
• Size 2/Gold Pants
• Diet Dr. Pepper
• BOOKS
• Time to myself
• Loving myself and therefore loving those around me more
• A dream role
• Mom's visits
• Mom, in general
• New, wonderful, dear, sweet friends
• Old friends
• Some of the most heartwarming emails
• Teachers
• Ames and Emily
• Kyle
• Mackenzie, Rick, Olivia, Jenessa (and many other people who were friends "before" and are still friends now)
• Rockstar Recovery energy drinks
• My new iPhone
• Making my blog private
• "The Book of Awesome"
• Moving to Salt Lake
• Talented, talented, talented, talented friends (Holy cow, did I mention they're talented?)
• Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
• Random (but unbelievably wonderful) acts of kindness
• Nitro Freeze
• Fireworks and best friends
• Back-to-back shows
• Shopping for my costumes... whaaaa?
• Joseph and the Amazing Show I Did a Zillion Times
• The sickness from hell (... I actually am grateful for this because it PASSED.)
• Twitter
• Pinterest
• Learning how to say no
• Tiny Wings (shh, don't judge)
• Fun, fun weekends
• Restarting the blog
• A new bed
• Mary and Martha
• Megan & Megan
• Puppies
• NY apartment-searching
• Homemade Thanksgiving dinner
• Comfortable comfort parties
• Werewolf game nights
• The Help
• Movies and movies and movies
• Tucanos
• New music
• Desperate Housewives
• Grey's Anatomy
• Modern Family
• The Tributes to Thanksgiving blog month
• GRADUATION
• Bangs
• The audition that ne'er saw a callback
• A Christmas Carol
• The trip home for the holidays
• Les Miserables in Dallas (I'll cover more on that later, as well)

I am quite certain that I missed a few things here and there, but I'll fill those in as they come to mind. These experiences and instances are as memorable as they are because of the people that I share them with: family and friends, old and new. I am so humbled by the continuous blessings each and every one of you are.

The One about the Baby.

This is Demarcus James Malone, Jr. He was born on December 4, 2009, two years ago today. He is my little sister's baby boy. He passed away on December 5, 2009, just a day old. He had what is called hypoplastic left heart syndrome and was missing a lung entirely. The funeral service was held on December 9, 2009.

I never got to meet him or even see him in person after he had passed, but I have a deep love for this little boy that I can't explain. My heart aches over the loss that my family felt in his passing, especially my sister. She is a strong one, that Martha. I have said it before, and I'll say it again: she handled and continues to handle her loss with such grace and faith. I love her so much and am proud of her for being such a strong girl.

When a person you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. He is and always will be a precious treasure.

Rest in peace, sweet little boy. We love you.