The One with the Discoveries.

I'm no quitter.

But sometimes I am a horrible procrastinator. Sometimes I'm the most tired and the laziest person I know. Sometimes I'm horribly busy. Sometimes I'm the most confused and the most at a loss for the right words.

And I suppose everything in those last few statements would explain my three-and-a-half-month hiatus.

I really wish I had taken the time in the last quarter-year to record what has happened to me... because it has certainly been a lot. I don't know where to even begin to share it. The truth is, if I don't come back to this now, I'm afraid I will feel so behind in sharing that I will just give it up altogether. And writing here has been too much of a blessing in my life to just brush it aside.

I remember having a job sitting at a desk and a computer for eight hours a day and being able to just write. It was nice and easy, I'm not going to lie to you. The job I have now, as I had explained a few posts back, keeps me going non-stop. I slap on a smile and stand on my feet for almost all eight hours. I don't play when I'm at work, and I have no "free time" there, either. It's hard and tedious and time-consuming. It's the part of my life that I'm not thrilled with. A job is a job is a job, right?

Sort of.

I have a second job, see, where I work my tail off. At times, it's even more difficult than working at a hotel front desk. At times, it's even more time-consuming.

Before I get too far ahead of myself, let me recap the last few months. I'll somehow be able to bring it full circle.

Remember my last post about my dating/not dating? I must've just made myself more aware of that fact after I wrote that entry, because I started making myself more available. 

I dated a boy that I really started to fall for. I spent so much time with him that I imagined it even going somewhere. I wanted to move slowly. I wanted to, perhaps selfishly, take it at my pace. He took matters into his own hands, however, and I fell out of control. I freaked out and got out of the situation. Shortly thereafter, I started seeing another boy: fun dating and then too quickly the word "serious" became a part of the mix. Again, I freaked out and got out of the situation.  

I started to wonder what was wrong with me after Boy #2. I began to rehash my past relationships. Aside from "the big one" when I was 18 years old, things seemed a little strange. In 2008, when I first moved to Ogden, I dated a boy at work. He was a little cooky and had some serious baggage, but he really, really liked me. And I liked him for a little while, too. Until he started getting clingy and wanting to make things "official." So... I freaked out and got out of the situation.

Back in 2008 and 2009, I dated a boy off and on. My initial reason for starting to date him wasn't horribly honorable, I'm sad to say, but as time went on and as we spent more and more time together, I realized I enjoyed his company very much. But I never wanted anything to get "serious." I avoided the subject for the most part and just called it "casual dating." At one point, after a long time of our casual dating, he started to use the scary words with me: 

love, 

serious, 

and even marriage.

What did I do? I freaked out and got out of the situation. Now, of course, there were other things that came into play that made me get away from that relationship, but that's where things started to get rocky anyway.

After analyzing these encounters and Boy #1 and Boy #2 over the last three months, I realized something: I like being by myself right now. Maybe it's juvenile and silly, but I have so much that I still want to do with just me, just Angela. I have so many places that I want to go and goals that I want to reach before I settle down or imagine it or even talk about it. Next summer, I want to pick up and go. Is that selfish? I'm sorry if it is or seems that way. I fully intend on loving people more and more deeply with time; I just am in NO HURRY to find that "one." I rather like getting to know Angela Jeffries; I rather like making her a better friend, a better performer, and a better person.

So, for now that's what I'm doing.

Somewhere in that mess, I decided to do Dirty Rotten Scoundrels again at a theatre that two of my friends had bought and opened. It was The Ziegfeld Theater's very first production, and it was interesting and exciting to be a part of. I have to admit that I've never really experienced anything quite like that: the theatre was literally being ripped apart and put back together while we were rehearsing. It took focus and patience, and in the end, I was really very proud of the little show we'd done. I enjoyed bringing the character of Christine Colgate back to life, too. I made some friends and bonded some existing friendships even tighter. That show is just joyous. I think that's the best word I can pin to it.

And then, auditions for the show I've been waiting for all year long rolled around: 9 to 5. I knew what role I wanted to play, I knew the music, I'd read and re-read the script, I watched the original movie over and over, and I even snagged a copy of the bootleg of the Broadway show. I was ready for those auditions and, I thought, ready for the role.

I was so thrilled to be cast as Judy Bernly in 9 to 5. I thought I was ready and that it would be a piece of cake. I thought, this is the character who is the most like me, so she'll be easy-peasy.

I've said things similar to this statement before, and I'm sure I'll say something similar to it again, but this statement trumps all previous like statements: this is the most difficult role I have ever played.

More difficult than Christine, the dingbat con in Dirty Rotten; more difficult than Madame Defarge, the bitter villain in Tale; more difficult than the heartbroken mother of three in Sleepy Hollow; more difficult than the 40-year-old wife from the 1950's in Five Carols; more difficult than Annie Oakley or The Narrator or The Witch or Dorothy...

... you get my drift. Playing this character ain't no piece of cake.

Forgive me while I nerd out here, but that's a lot like who she is in the show. 

Upon first glance, she's simple and quiet and a cookie-cutter kind of girl. But as time goes on, just as the rehearsal process proved, we see that she is complex and deep and hurt and glorious and beautiful and strong and imperfect and recovering and powerful and empowering.

I don't want this to sound cocky: things come easily for me when it comes to acting and singing. Going into the rehearsal process, and often even auditions, I know how I want to portray a character. Of course I develop as the process goes on, but I usually have a pretty good idea of how I want her, whoever she may be, to be played.

I have struggled with Judy Bernly. However, it wasn't until the last little while that I realized why this wasn't easy for me. There are several reasons: one being that I simply want to do her justice. This is probably the most realistic character I have ever played in my ten years of doing shows. I know people who have been through what she's been through. I want to be real with her, all while entertaining the masses.

The biggest reason that she is such a tough part to tackle is because of the blunt fact that she is a lot like me. No, I'm not going through a divorce because my husband cheated on me. But emotionally, she and I are a lot alike. Insecure, scared, sometimes a little cooky, a bit of a pushover at times, passive aggressive, seeking praise and adoration. 

You're probably saying, "Wait, Angela, wouldn't that make it easier to play her?" No, surprisingly.

Forgive the cliche: I like playing different people. I like going so extreme and being so different from who I am that I get to escape from reality for a little while... not that life is so hard that I need the escape. I do have some emotional turmoil that I try to avoid often, and that's the escape. When I relate to a character, I make it personal. I find it's almost too easy to cry in this role when I need to for a certain scene. I also find that the song that I sing at the end of the show is so poignantly relevant to some feelings I have in my own life that I almost don't make it through it. It's an emotional ride that is so close to home.

No one likes it when things don't come easily to him or her. I wanted Judy to be that piece of cake I thought she would be. She's not, though, and I truly believe I will be working on perfecting her until the very last bow at the end of September. Isn't that amazing?

When I say that, I find that I am filled with an overwhelming feeling of excitement and thankfulness. I spend my days at a job that is tedious and the same thing over and over again. While it's not always easy, my nights, on the other hand, are spent in a sweet little haven with sweet people, where I get to experiment with new ideas - some bad, some good - and grow constantly. It is a "job" for the mere fact that I am getting paid to do it, but really... what's it called? A play.

I play.