The One Where I Come Back from the Dead.

Before I get into anything too finicky to chew on, I wanted to share a little something with you. I should've logged on and blogged about it before the actual event occurred, but I suppose late is better than never.
Last Thursday night, I was very honored to sing at the second annual A Good Grief Benefit Concert. I've talked about her before, but I just can't say enough. My friend, Molly, founded A Good Grief Foundation and has headed the concert the last two years. She is an incredible woman who has endured so much with such grace and strength. It was an evening that, much like last year's, was entertaining yet spiritual. The proceeds went directly to help pay for the cost of headstones for families burdened with the emotional and financial weight of losing a child. I imagine the event will continue for years to come, so if you are around, take the night off to go. I promise it's an evening you will remember. And if I'm a part of it next year, I'll be sure to remember to post about it on here.

Now then...

I'm a little sad with myself that it's taken me more than a month and a half to post again. It's been an interesting little while, to say the least. Truthfully, I haven't had much to say... or rather, I haven't felt like what I've had to say is worth putting into cyberspace.

But maybe today, I can muster up the words - and courage, even - to say what's on my mind. Prepare yourselves, this is sure to be a long one.

I work 40 hours a week. Aside from spending time with my sister and friends, that's pretty much it... so what's the excuse for the lack of bloggage, Angela? Much like my first post in February, my brain and emotions have been a bit lucid, a bit flighty and disconnected. I don't like it. I hate to admit that my mind is in its best shape when I am rehearsing for or performing in a show. And it's been more than three months since my last show closed. I'm dying to be a part of something that excites me again.

Life isn't hard right now; I live a happy life; my job treats me well; my family is sweet, and my friends are, too. I'm just bored out of my ever-loving mind and need a boost to the brain, that natural high that allows me to feel like I'm contributing to society... even if I'm not.

Does that make me codependent on theatre? Probably.
My heart aches to get out of Utah, out of this stagnancy and into the New York state of mind. I find myself lost in thoughts of pursuing my performance career at full-speed for hours upon hours everyday.

In January of 2008, I had just turned 21 and was starting at a new school. From January until September 2008, I had auditioned for five shows and had been turned away from each one. During that time, my self-esteem was in the toilet, I had a pretty pathetic-looking resumé, I was a little on the hefty side and picked lousy audition pieces. Those nine months were miserable for me. I worked two jobs for most of it and participated in some stagehand opportunities at the school in order to retain my scholarship and, perhaps, some sanity, too. Finally, I auditioned for and was cast in Urinetown for my first show at Weber in August of 2008. Since then, save a one-and-a-half-month gap between Peter Pan and Joseph at Rodgers, I have not stopped rehearsing and/or performing. That's more than three years NON-STOP.

So, yes, co-dependency is definitely a possibility here.
Since this past December, I have auditioned for three shows and a video contest. And since this past December, I have been rejected from three shows and a video contest. Even typing the word "rejected" made me cringe. I have gone into these auditions and the contest with prepared and appropriate pieces, a relatively impressive resumé, and decent self-confidence. So what gives? Why do I feel like history is repeating itself from those downtrodden nine months in 2008? Why do I feel myself slowly lessening in self-confidence and questioning if I'm doing the right thing?

In 2008, I would have answered those questions with tears, more questions, and with the proclamation that "I'm just not good enough."

But not today.

Today, in 2012, as a 25-year-old with a bachelor's degree in Theatre Arts, I answer those questions with a simple, unemotional and grown-up response: it is the nature of the beast.

Granted, there are those people in this business who somehow just get everything handed to them, but those people are few and far between. I work to get what I want, and sometimes even when I work my patookiss off, the odds aren't in my favor.
All cards on the table, I cried after three of the four auditions; I made the reasoning behind my not getting cast extremely personal, because... well, that's what we do. But the fact in the business is this: you win some, and you lose some. And it IS personal, isn't it? It could be about your hair color, your height, your eyes, your ethnicity, your vocal range, your choice of song, how curvy you are, how not curvy you are, your dress, your Equity membership. It's a personal business and it's a business about people. Casting directors, music directors, producers, and choreographers are not my enemies. I may not always agree with or understand the outcome in casting, but what's done is done, and then it's time to move on to what's next.

But best of all, I know that just because I wasn't someone's first pick for a musical or play or contest, I am still a woman of immeasurable worth. It doesn't define me. I hate to sound so cliché in saying something like that, but it's the truth. I also know that because I work hard, I will be able to find work. And as long as I continue to love it and grow in it, I am absolutely in the right profession.

While I wish I had been able to accept these realities years ago, I feel that now is the perfect time. With my move to New York on the rise, and hundreds of auditions on the horizon, I appreciate the understanding that no audition or callback is unsuccessful. If nothing else, it's thickening my skin and giving me more experienced perspectives for the next one and making me more grateful for the next show I DO get cast in.

Fact: this little planet called Theatre is an odd one... but it is one that I can call home. Because home is where the heart is.

The One Where Everyday is Valentine's Day.

I have so much love in my heart sometimes that it occasionally scares me and often hurts me. I literally ache with love. When I love, I love so deep. I'm even sometimes embarrassed by it. (I cried about Whitney, folks. For well over an hour and, after that, sporadically throughout the day. Did I know the woman? No. But I certainly loved her... see what I mean?)
I'm 25 years old, and I'm alone... with no romantic prospects in the near future. I wonder a lot why I am alone, and I can't point to the exact reason why. Am I too sassy? Too independent? Too dependent? Too loud, too reserved, too careful, too confident? I have no answers. I wallowed in that for a few moments before I sat down to write this post.

I don't like Valentine's Day. Don't worry, this won't be one of those diatribes from a bitter single female. Truthfully, I am not bitter about being single. While of course I wish I had someone to share Valentine's Day with, I'm certainly not mad or bitter about it.

Even when I had a Valentine, I thought it was silly. It never seemed to measure up to its hype. Sure, I'd gotten flowers and chocolates and love letters... but at the end of the day, I just shrugged my shoulders and realized that aside from a couple of roses, it was no different from February 13th or February 15th.

Which... just as I wrote that, I realized something else: shouldn't everyday be Valentine's Day? Just like everyday should be Thanksgiving or Christmas. Shouldn't we express thanks everyday? Shouldn't we always celebrate the gift of Christ's life every single day? Or Veteran's Day... shouldn't we always show our appreciation to those who fought for our country? Every 14th of February, we are urged to demonstrate our love for those around us in our day-to-day lives. (It isn't just about romance, though that seems to be the more popular expression.) Shouldn't everyday be a day that we express to our loved ones how much we care for them?

It is important to know what love is in order to express it constantly. Love is not an abstract feeling of longing and infatuation that intensifies on certain holidays. Real love should exist everyday. I'm going to do my best not to get too "preachy" here (because, really, I'm the last person who should be "preaching" to anyone), but there is a verse from the Bible that I often think about on Valentine's Day. It's in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Always. Always. Always. Everyday.

There are people in my life who literally give me a reason to wake up and roll out of bed in the morning: family, friends, teachers, co-workers, and even complete strangers. With 22 hours left in this day, I want to set a goal: to simply spread good cheer today and forever. Treat everyday like it's Valentine's Day and treat everyone like he or she is a special Valentine, I say.

This goes hand-in-hand with the "kindness" entry a couple of posts back. Call an old acquaintance just to say hello. Send a card out to someone you know to brighten their day. Slip a love note in your spouse's purse or lunch bag. Also, smiling is contagious, they say. So, smile at a complete stranger.

Love is the very essence of life. Happy Valentine's Day, yesterday, today, tomorrow, and always.

The One with the Blicky.

For whatever reason, I'm feeling extremely down on myself today. I really can't put my finger on why. I've even been sitting here for several minutes just trying to figure out what is making me feel this way, and nothing is coming to mind. I just feel... blicky.

These things happen to the best of us, right? That's where the phrase "waking up on the wrong side of the bed" comes from. And honestly, not knowing why I'm feeling this way is worse than actually knowing. Not knowing makes me just question everything: what I dreamed about, yesterday, tomorrow, work, money, friends, the weather, my physical appearance, my mental state, Aunt Flo, relationships, etc. It makes me doubt myself, my abilities, my friendships, every little thing. And it could be nothing more than me getting five minutes less sleep than my body wanted. It's frustrating... and unjustified.

I don't ever want to have a bad day. They just happen. Things just happen. I try to avoid them altogether, and usually do, but this bad day seemed to slip right on in and make himself at home.

The truth is, without bad days, how would I be able to know what a good day is like? How would any of us be able to know what a good day is really like? And good days are unbelievably plentiful in my life; they are all around every single one of us. Today is just a bump in the road. A teeny, tiny little bump in the road. Yesterday was wonderful, and tomorrow can be, too.

I have a very strong belief that when things go awry, I have the power to fix or change them. So, I'm going to go take a shower, put on some make-up and then slap a pretty little smile on my face. Because the world always looks brighter from behind a smile.

The One with the Kindness.

I hate filing taxes. Truly. And working at a place that doesn't take out taxes throughout the year is just downright inconvenient. I've been working on entering my mileage records for the past three hours, and it's time for a break.

I thought about eating some cookies. I thought about watching something on TV.

But instead, I'll just vent what's on my mind today. Besides filing taxes, that is.

I recently caught up on my friend Molly's blog. A couple of posts back, she wrote about the power of kindness. You can read it here. As I read it, I kept waiting for the one event that made her choose to sit down and blog about the power of kindness. And then I read her last short paragraph, where she shared that the acts of kindness that were expressed on her that day were miraculous and influential.

And she's right. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, actually, not just today. I am surrounded by miracles and kindness everyday - in a smile from a stranger, in someone opening or holding a door, in someone letting me in front of them in line at the store.

Then I think, why don't I do that more often? How easy would it be to just let that guy over into my lane in traffic? How simple would it be to help that talkative old lady downstairs with her groceries? To pay for the guy's food behind me in the drive-thru? To smile at a stranger? To respond to that email that's been sitting in my inbox?

It TRULY does take so little to prove that you care so much.

The One Where I Live Without.

I'll be honest; now that I'm no longer working a desk job, blogging doesn't come as easily.

The good news is, I'm working. I landed a job as a Guest Service Agent at a hotel downtown. I feel very fortunate that I was able to find the job so quickly - about three weeks ago. It's exhausting, but it's full-time, it pays rather decently, it's a short drive there, and I really do like it. I've learned so much in these first few weeks about hotels and businesses in general. A lot of it is very surprising and intriguing. I don't think anyone who visits a hotel understands all the work that gets put into each and every guest... and all the things the person simply standing at the front desk must know in order for it to be a smooth and comfortable stay.

Moral of the story: be nice to the people helping you at hotels... don't treat them like peons. They're people, and they want you to be happy; no one is out to get you on your vacation, especially the people running the scene. BE NICE.

When I'm at home during my leisure time, I find that I spend far less of it at the computer (hence the lack of bloggage) and more of it watching television series episodes: Grey's Anatomy, The Biggest Loser, Alcatraz, Desperate Housewives, Modern Family, New Girl, Touch, Friends, and Slings & Arrows... to name a few. (And, yes, I'm a bit embarrassed by that list.)
I've come to the conclusion that my brain, after so much schooling, is taking a bit of a break. School wore me out, and that's the truth. I felt like I was in it for far too long, and I was far too deeply buried in the stress that is class and homework and deadlines.

That doesn't mean that I haven't stopped thinking, no. It just means that I'm letting life happen as turtle-speed as I see fit. Truly, this month has crept by so slowly, and I'm more than okay with that while my brain takes its vacation. But only for a little while. Angela Jeffries can only stand stagnant for so long.

While the brain-break is nice, there is one thing that's making life feel a little askance: I miss performing. I don't mean for that to sound so cliché because it is the truth. It's been almost a month and a half since A Christmas Carol closed, and I miss the stage horribly. I miss the rehearsals. Heck, I even miss the auditioning. And my next planned audition isn't for another two-ish months.

I'm entertaining myself with the new songs that I'm learning (3 down so far), but it's not enough. I'm reading more scripts and collecting more sheet music and watching more bootlegs, but it's nothing compared to actually feeling (forgive the cliché again) the lights on my skin. After all, I have been performing and rehearsing non-stop for almost four years, with almost no breaks in between productions.

I got a bit emotional about it the other day, actually, as I was reading the 110 In the Shade script. I wasn't a mess or anything - tears just sort of brimmed my eyes a bit.

I am connected so deeply to the theatre art form that it breaks my heart to be away from it. In that moment, I thought about something someone said to me once, "If theatre disappeared from your life or it never existed, you need to know that you would be okay, that you would survive."

Sometimes I say that I feel like my life would be over if I ever lost my ability to sing, but I know that's not the case. The truth is, I would be okay. I absolutely would survive without it. I would have other hobbies, and I would be pursuing a different career. I would have different friends, the same wonderful family. I wouldn't really know what I was missing, and therefore I would be okay.

But then I thought of something else someone said to me. "You are what you think about all day long." Art. I think about so many different art forms all day long: writing, music, performance, crafting, discovering, dreaming, reading. And it all improves my life, mixed right in with my incredible family, my beliefs, my heart, my friends, and every other little perfect addition.

So... survival would be possible without it. But I prefer my life in a way that is so much more than "surviving." I prefer feeling; I prefer aching for it when it's not around. Best of all, I prefer living with it and loving it, too.

The One with the 2012 Resolutions.

When I looked up the word "resolution" on Dictionary.com, I found some very inspiring words that will help me write this post - words like determination, firmness, decision, judgment, perseverance, tenacity, strength, fortitude, and lastly of course, resolve.

This year, I hope to be transformed. Psychologically, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. While I do feel that I am in a great place of happiness right now, I know that there are things within my reach that will allow me to be even happier. Right at my fingertips, in fact.

I waited a little longer than I wanted to put together this post. It's an important one that took some pondering, but I wanted to get the ball rolling sooner rather than later... and it seems that later is here. But it's never too late, really, to make and share goals. Right? Right.

So, here we go.
Get a decent job.
Since I am no longer at Weber, I am in Salt Lake for good... which means that I am no longer employed at the Housing Office at Weber. I'm hoping for this one to happen within the next week or so. I have already begun the hoards of applications online - over 40 now. I've interviewed twice and have a fairly potential opportunity. I plan to hold onto this job - whatever one I end up with, that is - until it is time for me to move to the East Coast.
Go to church.
Interestingly enough, I have felt very spiritually fulfilled for some time (mostly in the last year and a half) without going to church. I have been meditating on occasion and have been praying often. But even in the last month or so, things haven't really been feeling quite as solid in the spirituality field. I want to go back to attending church regularly and taking care of my beliefs, morals, and ethics.
Lose 10 pounds.Listen, I know it seems a little crazed. But I promise the weight is there to lose. I know how to lose it, and I know that it's possible. Physically, I am in a place right now where I am very comfortable with my body. However, I feel that I still have room to grow... or shrink, rather. I want to be tiny; there, I said it. I was so very lucky to be blessed* with the bones of an African Bush Elephant, so I always feel a bit on the bulky side. I want that feeling to go away, so I'm going to do whatever I can to make it so. I'm not obsessed with losing the weight, no. It's just something I want. And by eating right, I can do it. I also choose to make it easy. (And when I reach that goal, I'm going to share every little detail about the entire process. I can't wait for that!)
*Denotes sarcasm. In case you were wondering...
Save money.With the expensive city that never sleeps on the horizon, having a deep savings account built up before I leave is a must. This means budgeting. This means frugal spending. This means bargain-hunting (one of my favorite things, really!), coupon-cutting, and watching every dollar I spend. Not so much to ask so that I can continue to pursue my dreams, is it?
Expand my song repertoire.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I am constantly working on building my sheet music library. I buy, trade, barter, and borrow and tuck it all away into my collection. One of my favorite things to collect, however, are the more obscure musical theatre style songs... like Scott Alan, Jonathan Reid Gealt, Kooman & Dimond, Pasek & Paul, Georgia Stitt, etc. I have more than 100 different unique female songs that I haven't really touched since they came into my possession. I would love to learn one song every two weeks. Easy-peasy.
Expand my cooking repertoire.
Easy cooking, healthy cooking, super tasty cooking, cheap cooking. Find recipes, try them out, tuck them away so I don't have to be homeless in New York. (Any suggestions are totally welcome! Please!)
Improve as a performer/build my performing resume.
There are some shows that I'm itching for this year. I will prepare my audition materials and do my best at callbacks and cross my fingers for a casting call. If given those opportunities to be in a show or a few, I will utilize every resource I can to grow with every step of the process.
Blog more.
I absolutely blogged more last year than I did in 2010. That's thanks to the Tributes back in November and thanks to the fact that I only started blogging in September in 2010. I want the number to escalate again this year. It won't be easy. If I want to beat last year's number - 59 posts - I will have to post more than once a week. I have faith that I can do it. It has become such a joy for me to have the past documented like this; I get to go back and "re-feel" things. I recommend it to anyone. Really! Try it out.
Be more positive.
I don't really need to elaborate on this, do I? It's pretty self-explanatory: I just want to wake up on the right side of the bed more.
Be a better friend/daughter/sister. Be a better person.
I'm not always the nicest friend. Even to those I'm closest to. Sometimes I get defensive or testy or annoyed or bored. I want to be a rock to my dear ones. I want to be patient. I want to be the best friend, the best sister, the best daughter anyone could ask for.

There they are. All 10 of them. Wow, that's a lot, huh?

But I can do it. I want to do it.

2012 is going to be a big year - for all of us - I can feel it. I feel that this year will bring incredible changes, hardships, bumps, smooth-sailings, adventures, surprises, upsets, heartbreaks, you name it. It won't be an easy one, but it will be one that we, with time, will treasure. I choose to take 2012 one day at a time, to soak up every tiny little thing and to continue to live my life to the fullest.

The One Where I Recap the '11 Resolutions.

Last year, on January 4th, I took the time to blog about my 2011 resolutions.

I'm going to take the time today to recap those resolutions. I fought doing this because... well... I didn't do all of them. It's a little embarrassing to say, "Hey, here's what I said I would do in 2011, and I didn't really do it. I only sort of did it."

But I did sort of do it. More than sort of, I guess. I'll stop all this jabber and just move on so you can see exactly what I mean.

So... here they are... Angela's 2011 Resolutions:

Lose 18 more pounds.

Resolution semi-achieved, but not really. I lost 13 pounds throughout the rest of the year. That means I still have another five to go. Within this resolution, I also aimed more materialistically at fitting into a size 2. And I did. You can read about the day it first happened here. Size 4 is still the most comfortable, but a 2 just as comfortably can't be that far away. Right? The most important thing is that I have maintained healthily within all the weight I've lost. I've figured out what foods are healthy and what foods aren't, when to stop eating, and how to continue to enjoy food. I do gorge myself on occasion (and I'm not ashamed of it, which is also progress), but I can always come right back with healthy eating. It's been easy, honestly.

Work out.

Resolution not achieved. This is the one I'm most embarrassed by. It lasted about two months, working out at least four times a week. I ran a lot, I walked a lot, I went to the gym, I even bought a Wii Fit and used that as my source of working out for a little while. And then, somewhere along the way, I stopped. It became a burden more than anything, and I was getting behind with school. So I weeded out one of the only things I could. I'm not proud of it, and I really would like to work it into my life again, but this year didn't seem ideal.

Get A's.

I took 11 classes this year (worth 32 credits), from January thru December. I got an A or an A- in 7 of the 11 classes. I got two Bs, a C, and a D (yikes). I worked my tail off and walked away with a cumulative 3.4 GPA (over those three semesters that I took). I can't complain too much. The resolution was to make my grades as perfect as I could; while I do feel like that C and that D weren't necessary, I did what I could, and I certainly did better than last year. What more can I ask for there?

Make new friends.

Boy, oh boy. My garden of friends grew beautifully. While my time at Weber State did lessen and some of the friendships I built there did fade, I grew to know more people elsewhere and on many different occasions. In addition to the new people around me, I was also able to hold onto the sweet friends I had before. I weeded out some of the negativity that was constantly in my life and allowed myself to build a positive circle of friends, one that I feel completely safe, completely taken care of, completely equal, and completely happy in.

Improve as a performer.
It is my hope that this will be a resolution I aim for constantly. I hope to never reach the point where I stop improving, and I know it is in my control that I continue to learn. This year was very good to me, and I had a blast with every second of it. In A Tale of Two Cities, I was the villain: a first. As many of you will recall, Tale was a tender little experience for me. I met and got to know one of my favorite directors (and favorite people, too); I met and got to know some very talented individuals. I met and got to know some wonderful audience members. And I learned from every single person I came in contact with. For the first time ever with a show, I was utterly and completely open to learning absolutely everything I could. It was a humbling experience and one that I will never, ever forget. Immediately following Tale was Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. In the role I was dying to play, in a role I dreamed of playing, and in a role unlike any I had ever played. The rehearsal process was wonderful... easy, even. And every second was fun-filled. Truly. That show was a PARTY all the time. Every performance was an adrenaline rush. I spent so much time with some of my very best friends. Even now, I ache for it. Right after Dirty Rotten was Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. This was a role I had played before, and thank goodness for that, because the music came easily to me while I struggled with just about everything else. I'm not a dancer, but the role of the Narrator in this production was involved in many a number with the ensemble. It pushed me more than I thought it would, honestly. It made me really hunker down. As time rolled on, I did begin to feel comfortable in the role. The audiences were hysterical, and the cast was SO FUN. I loved feeling like a rockstar in the costumes; I loved belting my brains out. I loved it, and it exhausted the bejeebies out of me. After Joseph came A Christmas Carol. I sang a couple of solos, danced a ditty, and had a few lines. The role was very small, yes, but the role isn't always what makes a show special. More often than not, it's the people. And these people, from the very beginning, became a family to me. I loved rehearsals with (again) one of my favorite directors/people, and I loved the eventual performances, even if it meant five costume and wig changes. It was the most perfect way to celebrate the season. And it really was a beautiful little show. All in all - and I say this with hopes that no one will misinterpret this by thinking that I'm blowing my own horn - I feel that, yes, I did grow as a performer. I was pushed and pulled and poked and prodded and torn down and lifted up. If I didn't improve in all of that, I've got some rethinking to do, don't I?

Graduate.
Yeah. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO did it. Finally.
And I am so thrilled and... even proud of myself.

Move to Salt Lake.
Yep. I can check this one off, too. I made the move back in June, and I am so happy to be here. I love the city, and I love being this close to everything. We may not live in the coolest or classiest apartment complexes, but it's really not too bad. Now that I've graduated, I really won't have to go to Ogden anymore. And I can't say I'll miss it... because I love it so much here!

Bring more positivity into my life. Redefine friendships.
This one goes hand-in-hand with the "making new friends" resolution. I feel that this was absolutely accomplished. I am so grateful for every single one of my friends, old and new, and for the positivity they constantly bless my life with. I am the luckiest girl in the world, I know that.

Life was so sweet to me this year. I may not have passed the resolution test with flying colors, but I got by and I got by and I'm proud of how I got by. I may not have exercised as much as I wanted; I may not have gotten ALL A's in my classes; I may not have lost five more pounds... but the things that REALLY counted happened, didn't they? I can say that, can't I? I really can't complain.

I'm happy with you, 2011. You made me better and you made me want to be better all the time.